That's So Original!
by Ailodierap
Summary: The title is a lie. A look at a bunch of the worst clichés ever to curse this fandom. This is me spoofing them in ways so awful yet hopefully so hilarious that you'll want to cry from laughter and also gouge out your eyes with a spoon. Winner of 'Best Parody/Humour' in The Topaz Awards 2012! Thank you all so much!
1. Boring Bori

**I know I promised to finish my Jori (Tori/Jade) oneshot and then continue 'If You're Me, Who Am I?', but I've been reading a lot of parody/cliché type things and I've wanted to make one of my own for a while. Yeah, it'll have similar elements to other stories of this nature - that's to be expected. So reviews saying "OMG you copied *insert author name here*" are unappreciated and unnecessary.**

**This is basically me ranting about the numerous clichés in the Victorious fandom. I'll probably create a version for the iCarly fandom too. Let's do it.**

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><p><strong>My first chapter just HAD to be based on this horrible Bori (BeckTori… *shudder*) storyline that we've all read a hundred times…**

**Tori's POV**

_OMG, I couldn't sleep again last night because I kept dreaming about Beck. You'd think that being a 16 year-old girl attending one of the most prestigious performing arts high schools in the world would mean that I'd have a lot more interesting things to think about but since this is fanfiction, the only thing going on in my life is the main plot._

Please note that the author will usually assume you know that this takes place first thing in the morning. Then, without warning, the author will place a divider to symbolise a time-skip, although they will not say when to.

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><p>Beck and Jade were making out by the lockers because in Bori fanfiction, that's all they ever do. I somehow knew this before I even walked into the school.<p>

Wait for it…

I walked through the front doors and noticed this. Without even giving the possibility of me being psychic a moment's thought, I began to cry.

Because it's not like I can act or anything.

I couldn't stop the tears flowing.

_I'm so in love with Beck but he loves Jade. My life will never be the same without him._

An important thing to note is that ALL Beck/Tori fanfiction following this basic plot (i.e. 95% of it) will have that line somewhere in it: "_I'm so in love with Beck but he loves Jade._" Because the author can't think of any reasons Tori loves Beck.

**Beck's POV**

Aaah, the typical POV switch after about 360 words. A crucial plot device in any Victorious fanfiction.

I'm being sarcastic. If you didn't guess that one, you need a deodorant can shoved up your nose.

I was making out with Jade because that's all we ever do. But it didn't feel the same. Ever since Tori came to Hollywood Arts, I've lost the spark I had with Jade (this is the author's pathetic attempt at a 'mystery'). I wonder why.

Suddenly, I noticed Tori crying even though I could only see the side of Jade's head as she was trying to lick my tonsils. Without giving the fact that I could now see through humans a moment's thought, I stopped making out with Jade and ran after her (even though the author never even said she ran away).

**Jade's POV**

THIS IS IMPORTANT: For the single paragraph we are in Jade's POV, she will be a horrible bitch who only sees Beck as a pair of lips.

_Huh? What is Beck doing? Is he looking at Vega? She's crying. Good. I hope the bitch rots in a hole and dies of starvation. Even though the writers of this show have made it clear I've forgiven Tori for stage kissing Beck._

Then Beck stopped kissing me, and I began a long mental monologue of this event from a third point of view while Beck stood there doing nothing for about 2 minutes. Because when one person is thinking, everyone else in the world of FanFiction freezes in time until said person is finished thinking.

Beck ran after Tori.

**Nobody's POV**

…

(Yes, this is me calling authors out on the fact that there is NO SUCH THING as "Nobody's POV". If there were, nothing would ever happen.)

**Author's POV**

Tori ran and ran to the most romantic place the author could think of, without even hearing Beck running loudly behind her yelling her name.

Just as Tori is standing on a specific spot that, according to the author's crazy logic, has huge significance to the storyline (what storyline…?), her invisible hearing aid suddenly turns itself on **(A/N: Sexual innuendos FTW.) **and she hears Beck.

She turned around way too overdramatically, her hair flicking from her left shoulder to her right, making her look like one of those girls from l'Oreal adverts with impossibly perfect hair.

"Beck, what are you doing here?" Tori asked cluelessly, even though they are in the middle of nowhere and there is obviously only one reason Beck would ever want to be here.

As she waited for Beck to catch his breath (something Tori conveniently doesn't need to do), she willed her tears to stop flowing. Because she can act now.

"Because I saw you run away. Why?" Beck replied in a soft, soothing voice that he only has in FanFiction.

"Because I…" Tori began, pausing to choke back her tears, or at least, that's why the author is saying she paused. The real reason is for dramatic effect and suspense.

"What it is, oh beautiful Tori? Wait, you haven't confessed yet. Sorry."

"I love you!" Tori screamed at him in a horribly OOC tone of voice. Tori began to cry because of the pain of her love. In real life, she would probably be crying because her voicebox is now irreparably damaged, but since this is FanFiction, just no…

Beck pulled Tori into a tight hug for about ten minutes, because the author thought that it's realistic for people to hug for that long.

Eventually, they pulled apart, but Beck wouldn't let go of Tori. As Tori was about to go on rape alert, Beck leaned down and kissed Tori right on the lips (it'd be a pretty terrible climax if he kissed her anywhere else…).

The author was too excited to upload this 'amazing' story to write any details about the kiss and so just went with the most obvious, overused line in kissing history:

Beck's lips felt soft.

Yep, that's it.

"Why did you kiss me?" Tori asked in a voice that somehow showed she was about to faint.

"Because I love you." Beck answered.

"But you love Jade." Tori said, marking the second time that line has been used in the story.

"I don't feel the same way I did two years ago. It's called character development. Everyone goes through it in their teenage years. Don't worry, it'll start for you soon." Beck informed oh-so-innocent Tori.

"Oh. Okay. Let's go run into the sunset and make out now."

"Kay." Beck answered, without considering how much of an annoyance and a turn-off that answer is to a girl.

So they ran off into the sunset together. Even though it was early morning and the sun only rose two hours ago.

Now, an author with any sort of skill or creativity would show the aftermath of this, but most authors would decide that this is a good enough ending despite the fact that Beck and Jade never broke up, André, Cat, Robbie and Trina were never even confirmed to still be alive, Beck and Tori probably got in trouble for ditching a whole day of school to make out and Jade probably wants to stab Tori repeatedly with a toothbrush.

In the eye.

It'd hurt more than stabbing her in the foot, wouldn't it?

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><p><strong>Wow, congratulations if you survived through that.<strong>

**This probably doesn't differ too much from most parody or cliché fanfiction on this site but I'll try to at least be originally unoriginal. **

**I have a list written out for cliché ideas, but give me suggestions anyway and I may use them if they are common enough for me to find enough material to write based on.**

**-Ailodierap**


	2. How Bade Shouldn't Have Met

**So I woke up this morning and checked my profile expecting this story to have 3 or 4 reviews, maybe 5 if I'm lucky…**

**14 reviews? I was so excited and thrilled when I saw that. So I began typing this up first thing in the morning for you guys. Thanks so much for all the positive feedback!**

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><p><strong>This one is going to be a Bade cliché that I'm sure you're all familiar with: <strong>

**OMGZ HOWBADEMET! OMGEEEEEZZZZZ!**

**Jade's POV**

So I was sitting in Starbucks even though in this reality it is actually called 'Skybucks'. Copyright infringement is bad, m'kay?

I was drinking my coffee because coffee is all I ever drink.

At this point the author will recycle the joke about Jade referring to milk as 'cow juice'.

Just then the door opened and even though I didn't even give anyone else who walked in this place enough thought to look up from my coffee, I decided to look up this time.

These next 28 paragraphs will pretty much be a typical female author fangirling over Avan Jogia. Since I'm a guy, we'll skip that part.

Jade shall then be horribly OOC in a mental monologue. Read on if you dare…

_OMG, he's, like so cute! I will do everything in my power to make him mine because the hottest guy in Hollywood definitely doesn't have any sort of lovelife._

As Beck is standing in line, Jade shall notice every single thing about him that only a stalker would notice.

_OMG, he wears a ring around his neck! That's so HOT!_

…

_OMG, he looked so cool when he just took that step!_

…

_OMG, he ordered coffee! In Skybucks! We have so much in common!_

Beck shall then turn around with his drink and, miraculously, the first person he will set his eyes on is Jade, who, conveniently, is the only person giving him any attention at all.

_OMG, he is looking at me!_

Beck came to sit at my table. Without acknowledging the fact that the author implied that I already knew his name before we even met, I smiled widely because that's what I always do when a stranger sits with me in the middle of Hollywood. Get with it.

"Hey." Beck shall greet Jade. Jade will continue smiling at Beck which will give Beck the COMPLETELY wrong idea about her personality, but the author doesn't take this into consideration due to all the OMG badefluff (OMG killmenow).

"Hey!" I said way too enthusiastically. If I were in character right now, I would have puked into my coffee from how peppy I was being.

I stared into his eyes for what seemed like an eternity. You'd think he'd have walked away after I practically dismissed him and then didn't respond but the author doesn't see it that way.

_I think I'm in love! Oh my god, I have to make him mine NOWPLZ._

It is important to note that the author will always make it vague whether the mental monologues are Jade's or her own.

"I'm Beck."

_OMGZBECKISSUCHACUTENAME OMG!_

"I'm Jade. Do you want to date me?" I asked because it's obvious that when a strange guy in the middle of Hollywood starts a conversation with you, they want to date you.

"Well I only met you 36 seconds ago but okay! You are hot and you look really pretty too!" Beck complimented me in a way he NEVER would in the actual show.

Don't hot and pretty practically mean the same thing?

Now, to increase the 'drama', Jade will then magically become in character and the author will refer to the only characteristic about Jade she can think of OTHER than her relationship with Beck:

"I hate compliments."

"You're SO my type." Beck shall say, staring deeply into her emerald green eyes.

Wouldn't it make more sense to refer to them as 'jade green'?

"Oh really?" Jade shall ask seductively. This is the only line in the whole story where Jade is truly in character.

I'm like 300 words overdue for a POV switch.

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><p><strong>Beck's POV<strong>

Now we will read the EXACT same event from Beck's POV. Isn't this exciting?

I walked into Skybucks to order some coffee. What a shocking plot twist.

The author shall refer to Jade's earlier thoughts as an attempt to show continuity:

_Wow this line is taking forever!_

Yep, that's the attempt.

I finally got to the front of the line (Wow that line must have been so fucking long) and ordered my coffee.

At this point the author will research what Liz Gillies likes her coffee like, and will make Beck order the exact same thing. She will then pat herself on the back for being so 'creative and inventive'.

I turned around after taking my coffee that took about a microsecond for them to prepare and my eyes are attracted towards one particular girl sitting all by was just sitting there alone sipping her coffee with a death glare almost fixed upon her face, and she was smiling at me seductively.

Note the ridiculous contradiction in that last line: "a death glare almost fixed upon her face, and she was smiling at me seductively." The author didn't notice this, because she's just too blinded by all the OMGFLUFFINESS.

I went to sit down at her table, since her multiple piercings, deathly glares, pale skin and black clothing definitely made her seem like the friendly type.

"Hey." I said.

She smiled at me seductively.

"Hey!" she said enthusiastically to me.

_She seems like a friendly enough girl, quite cheerful and happy. I bet she loves everything in the whole entire world based on her general attitude during the 10 seconds I've known her._

Normally, the author would completely recycle the previous conversation word-for-word except she'll be typing 'she said' instead of 'he said'. Aren't you just amazed at the creativity? Because I don't want to bore you, I'll skip ahead.

"Oh really?" she asked, once again, seductively, because the author doesn't know what a thesaurus is.

"Yeah, I think you and I are the perfect match, even though we met 58 seconds ago!" I told her.

"I think so too! Want to go make out?" Jade asked me flirtatiously. At this point you should give the author a round of applause for coming up with a new adjective.

"Umm, yeah!" Beck shall say (this climax would be even more terrible if he'd said no, am I right?). The two of them shall then link arms and run off into the sunset. And one of them may or may not grow angel wings and soar high above the clouds, free from all humanity other than each other.

Because you can totally make out with your boyfriend/girlfriend while flying 10,000 feet in the air at 200 mph. Health and safety regulations exist for a reason, you know.

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><p><strong>Meh. I'm not entirely sure if I like this one. I'm still happy with how it turned out but compared to the first chapter, I think this may be lacking a bit in the comedy factor. Tell me what you think anyway. Leave any suggestions for future chapters you may have in your reviews and give any feedback you have! I appreciate it!<strong>

**NOTE: If you have the time, could you please answer the poll on my profile regarding what I should focus my writing on?**

**Next chapter will be Tandré. See you tomorrow!**

**Well, I won't ****see**** you tomorrow, but I'll… umm… write to you tomorrow?**

**-Ailodierap**


	3. Bade and Tandré, then Bori then?

**I promised Tandré, and here it is!**

**I have to thank WhiteChocolateAngel for this one. While it's a common cliché, for whatever reason I didn't think of it.**

**P.S. Your username makes me so hungry.**

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><p><strong>To quote WhiteChocolateAngel's review: "OMG ill nvr get heerrr"<strong>

**If you can make sense of that, then you know what this chapter will be about.**

André woke up from his dream about Tori because in FanFiction, as we have gone over before, the only thing going on in each character's lives is the main plot.

Meanwhile, across town, Tori woke up in her bed (isn't that a surprising place to wake up?) after a dream. It is extremely important to note that the author will attempt to create a 'mystery' by not specifying what Tori was dreaming about.

André climbed out of bed and jumped into his shower because in T.V. shows every single character has a luxury bathroom built into their wardrobe. I won't even comment on how energetic he is 10 seconds after waking up from a heart-wrenching, angsty dream.

Tori hopped out of bed and, with a spring in her step, got into her shower even though she never took her pyjamas off (also, according to all fangirl authors, every guy sleeps naked or in just boxers so…).

Isn't it such an effective way to set the scene by showing their early morning experiences simultaneously? It's so cute and sets the scene so well and isn't confusing at all and OMG I need a full stop now.

After André's shower which, apparently, took about 38 seconds, André went downstairs and heard his grandma scream. The author is only using André's grandma because she is one of the funniest characters on the show and fails to realise that his grandma doesn't even live with him, hence the reason Tori didn't recognise where André was in 'Wi-Fi in the Sky'. Seriously, are you watching some other show named Victorious? The Victorious I know pays attention to continuity and actually makes sense. If that's not what you're looking for, go scope out the Disney channel.

That turned into a rant… I'm so sorry…

André's grandma screamed because the author felt the need to add a bit of comedy into the explosion of angst set to come in about 2 minutes time. Of course, the author won't reveal why she screamed. Why? Why won't they, pray tell?

EFFORT.

Tori climbed out of the shower, got dressed without actually drying herself and went downstairs to have breakfast. She heard Trina singing to herself in the kitchen and laughed. Please note that this is the only time Trina will even be mentioned in the story.

André grabbed his bag and walked outside towards his car, without worrying about how skipping breakfast would affect his day. He jumped in his (give the author a few minutes to Google 'awesome sports car 2011' and choose the first image to come up) 2011 Nissan 350Z because a 16 year-old musician who is still in school would definitely be able to afford one.

Since the writers of the show haven't made it clear if Tori can drive, the author will not even make a decision on it and will instead skip Tori's next paragraph and skip straight to school.

CUE DIVIDER.

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><p>Tori was stuffing books in her locker because this is the only way the author can think of to set the scene. André walked up to Tori with a big smile on his face.<p>

"Hey baby." André shall greet Tori in a completely OOC fashion.

"Oh! Hey André! What's up?" Lo and behold, the author can keep Tori in character for one line!

The author will now make André ask Tori out on a date.

"I was wondering if maybe you wanted to come with me to-" André started before he was conveniently interrupted just as he was about to suggest a date so the author doesn't have to think of one.

And who was he interrupted by? This is Tandré fanfiction so it could only be Beck. Because in these stories, Tori, André and Beck are the only characters who seem to exist.

"Hey Tori." Beck greeted Tori in a flirtatious voice that he doesn't even use on Jade, so why he would use it on Tori, I don't know…

He shall then flash his omgsofuckingcute smile and every girl in Hollywood will melt from his 'hotness'.

Tori, who conveniently didn't melt (that'd make a bad story, right?), smiled back at Beck, and stared deeply into his eyes. Beck stared back.

André, who has been frozen in time up until now, shall suddenly interrupt the Bori OOC-ness because he's OMG jealous.

"Ahem." André attempted. No luck. "Ahem!"

Even though when we cough, we never say "ahem!".

André shall then walk away from Beck and Tori and get in his car. But he won't drive away. The author just thinks that talking to yourself while you're in a car makes you less insane than when you talk to yourself anywhere else.

"I can't believe this… Tori is in love with Beck. I feel like my heart just broke." André said to himself, without a single trace of sadness in his voice because the author couldn't be asked to think of an adjective.

"I loved her so much even though she's my best friend and practically my sister… but she loves Beck."

Isn't it interesting how the key line in THIS story is "I love Tori but she loves Beck"?

Sound familiar?

At this point, there are ACTUALLY three predictable endings instead of one! OMG!

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><p><strong>Ending 1:<strong>

André kept crying in his car even though the author never even mentioned that he had started crying in the first place. His crying was so intense that he began to flail around like a fish and accidently slammed down the accelerator on his car and he flew forward even though he never even put the key in the ignition.

André's car collided with a pebble and tilted up on end, before falling back down and crushing André. To death. The author ended it this way because if Beck and Tori started dating, they'd have to incorporate Jade into the story and that takes too much effort.

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><p><strong>Ending 2:<strong>

André was about to cry but suddenly got an overwhelming sense of confidence and stood up straight and tall even though he was inside a car.

"I'll never give in… Tori will be mine some day!" André shall proclaim in a voice that is supposed to sound awesome but is actually STOOPID.

This must be what character development feels like.

So at the end of the school day André was driving home and Tori's car was in front of his. André isn't a stalker, he's a defender. Get it right.

Then Tori tried to cross a bridge that appeared over a random river in the middle of Hollywood and that's when a big bus came and hit into the side of her car, because it's completely possible for a bus to be driving sideways on a bridge.

André jumped out of his car and leaped off the side of the bridge after Tori, even though it was never written that she fell.

He grabbed her in his arms even though she's in her car still and held her tightly as she cried while they plummeted to their deaths.

Oh wait, it's a RIVER. So they went splash and got wet.

When they surfaced, Tori smiled.

"Wow André, now that you're a hero I suddenly have fallen in love with you! Let's go make out!" Tori proclaimed enthusiastically.

"I love you Tori." André somehow said while his tongue was playing twister with Tori's.

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><p><strong>Ending 3:<strong>

Note that this ending will only have a chance of happening if the author remembers that Jade EXISTS.

André started to cry in his car when there was a knock on the window. André looked up.

"Tori?" he asked, only to find that it was actually Jade.

He opened the car door and Jade got in.

"What's up, Jade?" André asked.

"Beck dumped me for Tori." Jade told André sadly. In the actual show, she would be seething with anger and would want to murder Tori but this is FanFiction so there is no revenge. Only angst.

"I'm in love with Tori. But she loves Beck. What will I do, Jade?" André confessed to the most untrustworthy person at Hollywood Arts.

"I don't know. I loved Beck but I can't have him…" Jade started, before looking up at André.

The two stared into each other's eyes for a while, before deciding to just kiss each other since the author was too excited to flip the story on it's head to make any sort of build-up.

André's lips felt soft. How surprising.

Jade's lips tasted like coffee. How surprising.

"I love you now, Jade."

"And I love you now, André. Let's have some fun."

"Kay."

So André and Jade fell in love and lived a happy life even though 5 minutes ago they were angst-filled.

However, one day it was in the newspaper that Tori and Beck broke up, because that's the kind of thing newspapers report on nowadays.

As André was reading this article, there was a knock on the door. It was Tori.

"André, I love you."

OMGDUNDUNDUUUNNNN

The author has left the story open for a SEQUEL! YAAAYY!

Yeah, NO.

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><p><strong>This was so horrifyingly OOC that it was painful to write.<strong>

**Seriously.**

**Once again, thanks so much for all the positive reviews and for all of the suggestions!  
>Also, thanks again to WhiteChocolateAngel for the idea for this chapter!<strong>

**Next chapter is going to contain a multitude of ships. Which, you ask? Wait and see.**

**-Ailodierap**


	4. Everybody in Love

**HELLO!**

**I don't have much to say…**

**Oh yeah, I won't be updating this story on Mondays or Fridays, but every other day, I'll try my best to get a chapter up until I run out of clichés (keep sending them in!).**

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><p><strong>This is such a stupid idea, it's been done to death, and it's completely unrealistic…<strong>

**You guessed it; EVERYONE is in love with someone.**

Tori was watching Beck and Jade making out like some kind of crazy stalker. She was trying her best to hold back the tears (I won't even comment) but she just couldn't.

Now, to explain why Tori is crying (because the author sees it as a crazy plot twist and completely unpredictable), the author will write an OOC mental monologue for Tori.

_I love Beck so much… why does he have to be in love with Jade, the witch? Can't he see that I'm nicer, better looking and more talented than her?_

Now the author will switch to either Beck's or Jade's POV, depending on which of the two is having second thoughts about their relationship because, let's face it, one of them is ALWAYS having second thoughts in FanFiction.

**Beck's POV**

I was making out with Jade in the middle of the school because in FanFiction, PDA stands for Peanuts Dance Awesomely. Or something. Maybe…? But it didn't feel right.

What a detailed description! I think the author deserves a pat on the back.

_Ever since this fanfic began, I've been having second thoughts about Jade… because I'm in love with Tori _(what a surprise!) _and I want to be kissing her instead._

Isn't this supposed to be the 'perfect' boy who never does anything wrong? And he's being that blunt about loving another girl?

Let's switch to Jade now, who the author will use to add to the OMGAWESOME drama.

**Jade's POV**

I was making out with Beck (thank you author, we have established this fact) but it didn't feel normal. Because when you kiss someone non-stop for 2 years, of course it'll still feel weird and not normal.

I couldn't stop thinking about someone else... a certain redhead who, in this re-write of the scene, just walked past us.

_Cat is so beautiful… wait what did I say I'm in love with Beck duh._

WHAT A REALISTIC THOUGHT.

It is now that the author expects you to think OMG! Is Jade a lesbian?

Then Jade shall answer in her thoughts as though she were narrating a story. Despite the fact that she is breaking the fourth wall and possibly the laws of physics.

_Yeah, I'm bisexual. Even though just 3 seconds ago I was clearly in denial over the fact, I now fully accept it. And I'm in love with Cat not Beck. Did you seriously not guess that from the amount of girls I've scared off of Beck out of jealousy? Lol get a life._

Since Cat was the main topic of the last 100 words, the author will now switch to her POV.

**Cat's POV**

This is the time that the author will use to be completely stupid and type things that belong written on the walls of a mental institution and justify it by saying "It's Cat, it's meant to be funny DUYHYH."

_OMG, I love unicorns! Oh there is Beck and Jade making out again. Phooey. I love Beck but I also love Robbie! I love pickles too! Waaaaaaaahhhhh!_

I began to sob loudly and ran away without questioning the fact that no one in the whole building heard me.

**Robbie's POV**

_Oh I'm so in love with Cat, I just can't take it._

_Wait a minute, now I'm in love with Trina again._

_Cat._

_Trina._

_Cat. _

_Trina._

_Arrrrgggghhhh I can't decide!_

Please note that Robbie is the only character the author can keep in character for more than 50 words.

I was sitting in my car trying to decide who I love because that's what I always do at 1:42 on a Tuesday.

"You should just give up now. No one will ever love you." Rex said to me.

"OMG I'm so sad now!" I cried. Because in these kinds of stories, the author makes me the girliest straight guy to ever exist.

I pulled a penknife out of my pocket because you're allowed to bring that kind of thing to school. I then proceeded to cut myself.

The author won't give any details because he or she is too busy cringing at the thought of cutting themselves. I actually am as I'm typing this, for real.

Cat ran past my car crying and since I decided 5 seconds ago to be in love with her for the next 60 seconds, I got out and ran after her, ignoring the blood dripping from my wrist.

"Cat! Cat!" I called after her, running as fast as I could.

Cat stopped running and turned around.

"Hi Robbie!" Cat said joyfully.

"Why were you crying?"

"Umm… I don't remember."

"Okay." I said, and walked away.

The author will now disregard the fact that we are in Robbie's POV and will show us what Cat is thinking.

_He's walking away! If I love him I should go and kiss him right now! Oh phooey I can't decide._

Wow, first Tori, now Robbie is psychic. Who's next?

Cat ran up to Robbie while the author forgot we are in Robbie's POV and referred to him in the 3rd person.

"Robbie!" Cat yelled after him, running like the typical ditzy girl would at the end of some dumb 60 year-old romance film.

"Cat!" Robbie yelled, running to her in a similar fashion.

Now, to increase the OMGDRAMA, the author shall teleport Beck and Jade to about 2 feet away from Cat and Robbie.

"CAT!" Jade screamed.

"BECK!" Cat screamed.

"ROBBIE!" Beck screamed, even though this isn't a Rock story.

"BLOOD! Seeping from my wrist! Arrgggghhhh!" Robbie screamed, apparently forgetting the fact that blood always appears when you cut yourself.

Robbie ran away, while Cat was staring at Beck and Jade was staring at Cat. Since we established in chapter one that Beck has x-ray vision, he was staring at Tori from the other side of the school, who was talking to André.

"Cat, I have something to tell you right in front of my boyfriend Beck and in full view of the general public, the majority of which hate my guts." Jade said.

"What is it?" Cat asked happily.

"I-I love you." Jade confessed.

Everyone in the entire school somehow heard that and they all gasped at the same time.

"You girls mind having a one-Rex audience?" Rex said in the background, even though Robbie had run away and left him sitting there.

Cat looked shocked, while Beck looked happy because _OMG I can be with Tori now YAY!_

Cat looked at Beck for a second, before Jade grabbed her and kissed her.

Cat pushed the scariest and most violent girl in Hollywood away in anger, screaming in the most OOC voice she could muster, "YOU FREAK! I LOVE BECK NOT YOU! OR MAYBE I LOVE ROBBIE BUT THAT DOESN'T MATTER UGH."

Cat then ran away crying without even looking at Beck, who looked dumbfounded and speechless.

"Jade, I think it's time we broke up." Beck said even though the author said just ONE SENTENCE AGO that he was dumbfounded and speechless.

"OKAY FINE, JUST BECAUSE I'M A LESBIAN AND I ADMITTED TO NOT LOVING YOU, I GUESS THAT MAKES IT OKAY FOR YOU TO DUMP ME, I WILL MAKE YOUR LIFE LIVING HELL, JERK."

Wasn't Jade bisexual, like, 2 minutes ago?

Jade stormed off, and the author placed a divider because he or she had no idea how to make Beck react.

* * *

><p>Tori and André were talking to each other.<p>

André was staring at Tori like some kind of creepy old dude.

_She's so beautiful… wait she's my best friend I shouldn't say that and I'm in love with Jade anyway because the ending to that episode where I fall in love with her had a completely false ending._

Please note that André will only be in love with Jade if this story was written after 'Jade Gets Crushed' aired. If it was written before the episode aired, then the two may as well not know of each other's existence.

"André, I need your advice on something." Tori said.

"What is it?" André asked.

"Hypothetically speaking, if you were in love with someone but they were in love with someone else, what would you do?

"This." André said, and kissed Tori.

Tori slapped André because the author apparently wants all these characters to die from angst overdose.

"ANDRÉ! OH MY GOD I DIDN'T MEAN YOU I LOVE BECK NOT YOU!" Tori screamed. Then she gasped overdramatically.

"You're in love with me?" Beck asked, even though just 20 seconds ago he was on the other side of the school.

"Yes Beck, I always have been! Will you be my boyfriend?" Tori asked.

"Of course I will, my beautiful Tori." Beck answered in a voice that no one in the whole entire world would ever speak in.

Tori and Beck linked arms and ran into the sunset even though it was only 1:48 in the afternoon.

André stood there with his jaw open for a moment, before cursing:

"NOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU BECK, MY BEST FRIEND OF 4 YEARS! NOOOOOOO!"

André then got in his car which apparently is now parked in the middle of the school, and drove away.

DIVIDER, OMG.

* * *

><p>Robbie was driving in his car because apart from making life-changing decisions about who your true love is, what else would you do in a car?<p>

Robbie was crying because Cat was in love with Beck even though Cat never actually told him that she was. He was driving too fast and crashed into someone else's car and broke his neck, legs, arms and pancreas.

The ambulance came and carried him and the other driver to hospital. Robbie looked to his side even though his neck was broken and he was previously unconscious and was in shock over who the other driver was.

"André?"

OMG, a twist that is ACTUALLY not totally predictable.

"Hey Robbie. Being unconscious and on the verge of death is so boring, ain't it?"

"Yeah."

Robbie and André passed out because the author didn't want to do any research on medical procedures and stuff.

Tori, Cat and Jade entered their hospital room.

"Hi guys." Cat said.

"Hey Cat." Robbie answered, rudely ignoring Tori and Jade.

"Tori, I'm so sorry about before, I-" André started. Since the author is in love with OMGANGST, Tori shall reject him.

"André, we're not friends anymore."

"Oh, okay then." André answered. No one in the room asked either of them what happened to these two ex-best friends turned enemies. André turned to Jade. "Since I got over that so fast, will you go out with me? It's not like you're a rebound or anything, I just love you now."

Since the author thinks that André and Jade are OMGBESTIES thanks to one scene in 'Jade Gets Crushed' where they got along, he or she will make Jade horribly nice and OOC.

"André, I'm so sorry, but I'm in love with someone else. I hope we can always be friends."

Everyone turned in the room and stared at Jade. Character development must be taking it's toll on her.

"Robbie, I've decided I love you now, even though I screamed out loud in public at school a few hours ago that I love Beck. Will you be my boyfriend?" Cat asked.

Tori didn't even respond to the fact that her best friend just admitted to being in love with Tori's new boyfriend.

"Sorry Cat, I'm in love with Trina right now. Wait a few minutes and try again." Robbie answered.

"Okay!" Cat responded happily even though she just got turned down by her 'true love'.

And then a bus came through the wall and killed them all, because the author finally realised that this story is going NOWHERE.

Everyone died, even though Beck wasn't in the room. But we can assume that this perfect boy who has everything in the world going for him will commit suicide due to the OMGTRAGIC loss of his friends.

* * *

><p><strong>?<strong>

**This is literally how these stories end. All the time. Everyone dies. Such a happy ending.**

**I'm sorry for the extended wait, but like I said before, I don't update on Fridays and Mondays and I had some friends over yesterday so I couldn't update.**

**Since so many people are requesting it, the next chapter will be about Jade getting pregnant. Keep sending in those clichés!**

**-Ailodierap**


	5. OC Stands For Own Cliche

**I know I said that the next chapter would be a Pregnant!Bade spoof, but I'm actually having a surprising amount of trouble writing the chapter. So I don't keep you all waiting for I don't know how long, here's a parody I don't think anyone has done before.**

**You know those 'Submit your own OC' fics, right?**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Victorious.**

* * *

><p>So this FanFiction will first materialize inside the author's mind when he or she says to hisherself "I wonder what other people go to Hollywood Arts?" This will lead to them deciding to write a fic about it. The author will sit down in front of his or her computing device and realize that he or she has NO creativity at all.

Since I'm fed up already with typing "he or she", we'll just assume this author is a girl. No sexist reason, honestly!

As I was communicating, she will realize that she is the most uncreative person in the country and so will practically force other fandom members to do the creative stuff for her. She will then post an ad in the archive which will say something like the fake form provided under the impending divider…

* * *

><p>Hi guys! I'm creating an OC fic for Victorious. I know this idea has been done a lot but I will try to make it original! (This generally means it will be horribly unoriginal)<p>

Basically, just fill out this form for your character in a review:

Full Name:

Age:

Gender:

Appearance which I won't even read properly and will instead just skim through:

Talent:

Likes:

Dislikes:

Hobbies:

Personality:

Opinion on…

Tori:

André:

Robbie:

Jade:

Cat:

Beck:

Trina:

Sikowitz:

Sinjin:

Rex:

Closest friend:

Anything else:

* * *

><p>Since this is an OC story, it will get about 15 reviews in 17 seconds. Now I will explain to you how people fill out the application for the OC for the FanFiction of the Victorious.<p>

Full Name: If this character is a boy, he will have a normal, common name like Michael or Nathan. If it's a girl, she will have a ridiculous name that the author will probably not even be able to pronounce that almost NO girl has in real life. Something like Macia or Bellasophia.

Age: This will always be 16-17. No exception. EVER.

Gender: You can tell this from the name.

Appearance: The male characters will have varied appearances – no clichés here. The females will ALL have wavy dark hair with highlights of various colours. Of course, this description of her hair will always mention "similar to Jade's but slightly different" to hide the fact that the review writer COMPLETELY ripped off Jade's hair. In the figurative sense. The writer will then go on and on about the character's height, eye colour, facial structure and lots of other details the author will obviously not use or even reference.

Talent: This one actually isn't really cliché in any way. Moving on.

Likes: This will occasionally rip off Tori, Cat or Jade's personality.

Dislikes: Same thing.

Hobbies: Still no real clichés here… just wait the clichés will return in a moment.

Personality: Almost every girl will rip off either Cat's or Jade's personality here. A boy will always be either laid back like Beck, or dark like Jade.

Opinion on…

Tori: EVERYONE shall say: Appreciates her talent but doesn't understand the huge fuss made over her.

André: Girls ALWAYS either don't speak to him or have a crush on him. No exceptions. EVAR. Boys are either best friends with him, or never speak to him.

Robbie: About 9/10 times, a girl will say: She hates Robbie because he is OMG!Creepy. The 1/10 girls always have a crush on him. Guys either avoid him or are OMG BEST FRIENDS with him.

Jade: Every girl will be OMG BFFs with Jade and every boy will be scared of but attracted to her.

Cat: Every girl will be her OMG BFF and every boy will treat her like a little sister.

Beck: Every girl will be all like: OMG he's like so HOT I just want to melt when I see him OMG PANCAKES! O _O Guys will find him a cool friend and will be jealous of his relationship with Jade.

Trina: Every character shall hate Trina with a passion. This is the final rule that you writers of the FanFiction kind must obey at ALL COSTS.

Sikowitz: Every characters is amused by him.

Sinjin: Boys will just be like "Who's Sinjin?" and girls will just say: NO HE IS A CREEP OMG PANCAKE.

Rex: Why is this section even here? Rex is a PUPPET. And every character is annoyed by him anyway so liek yah.

Closest friend: Girls will ALWAYS answer Cat or Jade as though those two are pieces of the jigsaw that makes up the OC's pancreas. (Even I don't know what I just typed…?) Boys will always be best friends with Andre. NO EXCEPTIONS. EVAR.

Anything else: This is where the reviewer will type and type and type paragraphs about the character's life story, most of which will go unreferenced.

* * *

><p>After waiting an entire 30 seconds and getting about 50 reviews, the author will go through the characters claiming that she is deciding which characters are the most interesting. I shall now fully psychoanalyze the complexities of the trail of thought this heavily-burdened author must take on:<p>

_I keep fading into you,_

_Drowning in your darkest blue_

Sorry about that, I'm just in love with this song right now.

Here's the trail of thought:

_I SHALL WRITE EVERYONE!_

There you go.

* * *

><p>Now the author shall post a chapter saying the following:<p>

The OC application contest (it was a contest?) is closed now. I have carefully analysed the characters sent in and have decided which will be featured in the story. Sorry if yours wasn't chosen.

Pfft what? You chose EVERYONE.

The opening scene of the first 'official' chapter will ALWAYS be in the Black Box, no exceptions. EVAR. Since the author has no creativity, the two characters (that is important to note: there will never be more than TWO characters in the first scene. liek yah.) that were sent in first will become OMG!BFFS and will be having a conversation.

We will then switch scenes to Sikowitz' class because he is apparently the only teacher in the school.

The first two characters shall then walk in. Let's say their names are Lacirenity and Billy. Don't look at me, I'm following the clichés.

They shall sit next to the third character to be sent in because creative and well-timed entrances haven't been thought of.

The scene shall then play out as every main character shall conveniently interact with each of the three OCs. Here is a small snippet-ation of what you can come to expect:

Sikowitz ran into the room and said "Hello class I am Sikowitz and I like coconut milk." and the entire room will BURST OUT LAUGHING. Everyone is amused by Sikowitz, remember?

Tori turned to Lacirenity. "Hi Lacirenity, despite your ridiculous name I hope we can be better friends soon.

"You aren't as talented as everyone says you know." Lacirenity replied.

"Okay." Tori said before turning to Billy. "Hi Billy!"

"Hi Tori." Billy said.

Tori then turned to the third character who I have just decided shall be called Zeepho.

"Hi Zeepho!" Tori said.

"Hey Tori let's hang out later!" Zeepho squealed.

"Okay." Tori said.

André came to life and turned to Lacirenity.

"Hey Lacirenity." André said.

"Hey!" Lacirenity said too eagerly trying to contain her OMG TRUE LOVE for him.

André turned to Billy.

"Hey Billy." he said.

"What's up, pal?" Billy answered.

André turned to Zeepho.

"Hi Zeepho." André said.

"Who are you again?" Zeepho answered.

Then a shocking plot twist occurred! Cat came to life and turned to Lacirenity!

"Hey Lacirenity!"

DO YOU GET IT NOW?

I hope so, because I'm dying inside typing this.

The author shall go through EVERY interaction possible and will then say that the bell went off about 6 minutes into the lesson before they had learnt anything. The chapter will then end and the author will place a stupid authors note that will say something like:

**I will add the next chapter tomorrow I am just trying to get a feel for the characters and a couple of basic interactions. Just a couple.**

And of course, the second chapter will never be written because halfway through typing it, the author will realize that the whole idea was stupid and will scrap the whole thing without so much as an explanation.

THE OMG!END.

PANCAKE.

* * *

><p><strong>I am REALLY sorry for not updating for like 2 months. Like I said, I had unexpected trouble getting into the Pregnant!Bade parody and so I'm going to work on that one over time. <strong>

**Since I've read one too many irritating versions of them, the next chapter will be a dreaded Q&A interview!**

**See you soon and thanks for being patient!**


	6. OMG Ask the Cast Cliche Questions!

**As an indirect response to a review, I'd just like to say right now that I sincerely apologize if any of you take anything I write to offense. I hope you know I would never write this purposely to offend anyone, I think you guys are all awesome! Once again, I'm extremely sorry if anyone is offended by anything I write here. It's all fun and jokes. Please try to remember that – some of these 'cliché' stories are really good and I would never directly insult anyone about them even if they weren't.**

**Mmm'kay, Q&A interviews. Everyone who's anyone has read one of these and there is about a 90% chance that you have cringed at least 2.61 times while reading them. Let's do it.**

* * *

><p>I don't even understand what could possibly go through an author's head when they decide to write one of these, but I imagine it must be something along the lines of:<p>

_I am going to write a Q&A interview fic._

The author will ALWAYS be the host, and none of the characters will question the fact that the host is named 'Cliché654' or whatever. I'm sure they have lots of names like that in Hollywood.

I will just say right now that if characters kissing makes you squeamish, NEVER read a Q&A interview. Your head will turn purple and you will die a painful death before finally your heart will implode from all the kissing that is guaranteed to come.

I can't really describe the clichés, so I will just write up an example chapter or two for you:

* * *

><p>Ailodierap: Hello everyone, my name is Ailodierap. Hey, guests! Please stop laughing at my ridiculous name long enough to introduce yourselves to the readers!<p>

Tori: Hi everyone! I'm Tori.

Jade: Since it has been established that I don't like you… LET ME GO FIRST YOU STUPID TWIG!

Beck: Jade, calm down.

Jade: Okay!

*Beck and Jade begin to make out*

Ailodierap: Okay, now that the author has established the main character traits of Tori, Beck and Jade, let's meet the other characters whose main traits will also be revealed in their first sentence. Impossible you say? Well stop saying stuff!

André: Hey!

*André starts playing a song on his keyboard*

Ailodierap: Very nice André!

Cat: Heehee! Hi everyone, I'm Cat! One time my brother stole my lipstick and he then he took some yeast and –

Ailodierap: Thank you Cat, we have established the only trait the author can think of about you.

Robbie: Hey guys, I'm Robbie! I'm Cat's boyfriend!

Cat: No you're not!

Robbie: Hey guys, I'm Robbie! I'm Trina's boyfriend!

Trina: No you're not!

Rex: Just give up. No one will ever love you because you are useless and will not contribute anything to the world.

*Robbie starts crying*

Trina: Last but the opposite of least, I'm Trina! But I'm sure you all knew that!

Ailodierap: Yes Trina, everyone is aware of the most unappreciated character on the show.

Trina: You hear that, André?

*André is still playing a song on his keyboard*

Jade: Okay, I will recycle a joke from Season 1 and act like I'm being creative.

*Jade walks over and takes the batteries out of his keyboard*

Beck: Jade, calm down.

Ailodierap: Now every character that you already know like the back of your hand has been introduced, send in your questions or dares in a review!

Everyone: Bye!

* * *

><p>Now the story shall get about 6 reviews in 2 seconds.<p>

The author shall look at the reviews and will pick the most cliché- ahem, interesting questions and dares.

And here's OMG chapter 2, are you ready?

OMG.

* * *

><p>Ailodierap: And we are back, obviously!<p>

Everyone: Hi!

Ailodierap: Here is the first dare from **I'mUnoriginal**, who says: "Hey Ailodierap! My totally _non_-cliché dare is to have Beck make out with Tori for 3572348 seconds and then be totally honest about how amazing it felt.

Jade: What! This is stupid!

Beck: Jade, calm down.

*Beck makes out with Tori for 3572348 seconds and sits back down*

Jade: How could you make out with Tori I thought you loved me that's it we are over!

Beck: Jade, calm down.

Ailodierap: So Beck, now you have to be totally honest about how amazing it felt.

Beck: Jade, calm d- oh sorry. Force of habit. Anyway, it felt absolutely incredible; I hope we can make out again sometime Tori. Jade, please love me.

Tori: Sure!

Ailodierap: Okay, the first question is for Tori!

Tori: Cool!

Ailodierap: **MrChickenFat **says: Tori, who are you the most in love with out of Beck, Beck, Beck, Beck, Beck, Beck, Beck, Beck, Beck, Beck, Beck, Beck, Beck, Beck, Beck, Beck, Beck, Beck, Beck, Beck, Beck or Beck?

Tori: Umm… that's a tough one but I think I'm in love with Beck the most.

Jade: WHAT YOU LOVE BECK FINE I WILL DESTROY YOUR LIFE BITCH!

Tori: I'm sorry! I can't hide my true feelings anymore!

Beck: Jade, calm down.

Ailodierap: The second dare is for Beck!

Beck: Jade, calm down. I mean cool.

Ailodierap: **InsertPennameHere **says: Beck, I dare you to kiss all four of the girls and then tell me which of the four is the best kisser only you can't say Jade because that's OMG!Biased.

Beck: Okay.

*Beck kisses Jade, then Tori, then Cat and finally Trina*

Ailodierap: Who was the best kisser out of Tori, Cat and Trina?

Jade: You better say me…

Beck: Cat.

Cat: Hee hee.

Jade: Oh well, I don't mind if it's Cat because she's apparently my OMFG BFF!

Cat: YAY! Jade is MY OMFG BFF too! Let's go skirt shopping!

Jade: No, I want to go scissor shopping.

Cat: Okay!

Sinjin: Can I come?

_WTF MINDFUCK. Where did Sinjin come from?_

Jade: No.

Sinjin: But I love you!

Jade: No.

Beck: Jade, calm down.

Ailodierap: Here's the final question of the round, and it's for Beck! What a shocking twist!

Beck: Cool!

Ailodierap: **OmgBoriLover **says: Who is the best kisser out of TORI! or Jade?

Beck: Tori. I am still in love with Jade though. Please take me back?

Jade: NO I HATE YOU FOREVER NOW UGH PLEASE JUST GO AWAY.

Beck: Jade, calm down.

Ailodierap: Okay, since I've heard Beck's voice one time too many today, this is goodbye! Keep sending in those totally _not _cliché questions and dares!

Everyone: Bye!

Beck: Jade, calm down.

* * *

><p><strong>I know this was a pretty short chapter but it was seriously the easiest to write so far. I actually sat down with my headphones in and wrote the whole thing in 20 minutes. <strong>

**I would also like to add that doing the research for this chapter was almost as painful as the 'Everybody in Love' thing.**

**I'm checking my list of ideas right now for a good idea for next chapter… umm…**

**Okay, here we go. Next chapter will be…. A SURPRISE! See you soon!**

**Please continue to leave suggestions! It's all greatly appreciated! Or don't leave a suggestion if you can't think of one, but if you could just take a few minutes to review, I would appreciate it tremendously!**

* * *

><p><strong>SHAMELESS SELF PROMOTION!<strong>

**If you like Jori (Tori/Jade), then if you have the time, could you think about checking out my new oneshot? It's the first oneshot I've ever written and the first Jori I've written either. I'd love to know what you guys think of it! :3**


	7. Ready to be Random Abused?

**Chapter 7 incoming…**

**It's a rather popular request. It's one of the most cliché, umm… clichés… in the archive. You might have guessed it, someone's getting abused. And her name may rhyme with the word 'spade'.**

**WARNING: May contain abuse. (?)**

* * *

><p><strong>Jade's POV<strong>

"Beck, why do I have to go home? Why can't I just go straight to your RV?" I asked Beck.

"For to set up the main plot point of the story in which your father abuses you and almost kills you." Beck replied, looking over at me and smiling, not paying the slightest attention to the road.

"Oh. Okay!" I answered happily.

"Cool."

Beck dropped me off outside my house, and I walked inside (I figured that'd be obvious).

At this point, the author will describe how OMG ELEGANT, MASSIVE AND LUXORIOUS Jade's house is and how much Jade OMG HATES IT.

I walked inside again, because it seems I somehow teleported back to Beck's car while the author was describing my OMG STUPID house.

I saw my dad passed out on the couch, with beer bottles thrown all over the floor. I didn't question the fact that my dad was at home getting pissed when he was supposed to be at work earning money to keep this OMG STUPID house. Not that I cared because I'm the Jade West. Liek duh.

Now the author shall give Jade's father superhuman hearing abilities allowing him to hear Jade walking upstairs near silently despite being wasted.

Wow: Tori and Robbie are psychic, Beck has x-ray vision and now Jade's dad has super hearing. And André has the remarkable ability to fall off a bridge into a river and not die. Yes, it seems André has been gifted with the power of DUH THAT'S OBVIOUS.

Even though Jade's dad is pretty much hung over, he still has perfect speech and sight.

"JADE! YOU LITTLE BITCH! I'M GOING TO RANDOM ABUSE YOU!" he screamed (I even typed it in block capitals to emphasize the screaming. Shows how much I care :3)

"NO DAD PLEASE I DON'T LIKE IT WHEN YOU RANDOM ABUSE ME!" I begged in a voice completely opposite to my given personality. Of course, the omgdrama has blinded the author.

I think a lot of Bade authors are just, like, blind, you know?

I ran upstairs flailing my arms like noodles and ran into my bedroom. I locked the door because even though most bedroom doors don't have locks, this one does to add to the SOUPER PLOT!

"JADE OPEN THE DOOR SO I CAN RANDOM ABUSE YOU!" my dad started yelling before he even tried to open the door for himself.

Prepare for a mental monologue of the OOC kind…

_Oh no! What do I do? I'm so scared! Help me, mommy! Wahhhh! I know, I'll go to Beck's! What a non-cliché idea! Oh wait, I can't because daddy is at the door! :(_

I decided to open the door and run for it, figuring that it was the smartest, most omglogical plan I could ever come up with.

Umm… let's just assume her PearPhone got eaten by a bear. In Hollywood. In Beck's car.

I unlocked the door, and even though my dad could clearly hear the door being unlocked, he didn't open the door because that would break the OMG SUSPENSE.

I slowly opened the door, and tried to run but crashed into my dad who started laughing maniacally at him catching me, as though he was the Tom to my Jerry.

"TIME TO GET RANDOM ABUSED!" my dad yelled even though I was right next to him.

Now the author will provide the most cliché, unoriginally choreographed abuse scene ever. Read on if you dare…

My father threw me down to the ground and began kicking my ribs with his magic foot that could apparently penetrate my skin and kick my internal body parts.

Then he leaned down and started punching my face. I screamed out in pain.

"Ow this hurts."

Finally, my dad picked up a lamp but just as he was about to hit me in the face with it, my awesome extendo-arm grabbed the scissors Cat got me for Christmas (omg continuity! Round of applause for the author!) and sliced my dad's face with them.

You may not know this, but when my dad random abuses me, he turns into the Incredible Hulk and shrugs off all kinds of pain. He shrugged off the pain and stole my scissors, throwing them out the window that I never opened.

In anger which completely contrasted the fear and wimpiness I felt 2 minutes ago, I grabbed the lamp my father apparently dropped during a time freeze, which is why the author didn't mention it.

Jesus, this is turning into one big superhuman freakshow.

I hit my father in the face with the lamp. You may not know this, but when my dad random abuses me, he stops being the Incredible Hulk when I finally make a stand. For some unknown reason, it always takes me at least 40 seconds to do this.

My dad fell down in pain. I dropped the lamp in panic.

_I have to get to Beck's, QUICKLY! Before he gets up!_

I looked in the mirror and saw that I looked a complete mess. Very quickly, I wiped off all the make-up I already had on which had smudged, took off all my ripped and blood-stained clothes (yes, I bleed when I get kicked in the stomach, because I am the Jade West and bruising is for losers), had a hot, relaxing shower, made myself a sandwich just in case I got hungry on the way to Beck's (yes, I made a sandwich while naked. Don't judge.), found some sexy clothes to wear, applied some foundation to cover up the bruises (these bruises are for cool kids) on my face, failed to worry about the pale patch on my chin which made it look like I got in a tanning bed but forgot to move a piece of lettuce from my face, put on some dark blue eyeshadow, put on my red lipstick, replaced my messed up green highlights with my OMG SOUPER SEXY blue highlights, pulled on a hoodie which I only wear especially when I random knock out my father after a random abuse session (sounds sketchy… o.O) and grabbed my bag along with my PearPhone which some mysterious bear must have regurgitated with the force of a cannon to get it to land in my bedroom (even though the window is STILL closed). My dad didn't get back on his feet the whole time though, because I did it all very quickly!

As I opened the front door, I heard my dad quickly rise to his feet (of course he rose quickly…) so I slammed the door and ran for my life.

Time for a POV SWITCH!

OMG PANCAKES.

* * *

><p><strong>Beck's POV<strong>

_I wonder where is Jade. I only dropped her off at her massive house alone with her alcoholic, abusive father who apparently got paid for getting pissed. I'm sure she must be okay. _

The author will not question why Beck wants to know where Jade is, considering they didn't even make plans to meet. You see, the author is too busy going: OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG WORRIED BECK OMG PANCAKES!

Suddenly I heard the door knock. Because apparently doors can make knocking sounds by themselves now.

_That must be Jade. Who else would be knocking on the door of the RV in which the most 'hot', 'popular', 'most talented guy in Hollywood' lives by himself?_

I opened the door and it was… JADE!

"Jade! I wasn't expecting you! How are you, are you feeling well?" I asked in a ridiculous tone that I would never have were this anything like the show.

"SHUT UP BECK I FUCKING HATE YOU STOP BUTTING INTO MY LIFE." Jade yelled.

"I am very sorry Jade, I hope I have not upset you." I replied 'perfectly'.

"OF COURSE YOU'VE FUCKING UPSET MY BECAUSE YOU ARE A FUCKING NOSY SKUNKBAG, KAY WANNA MAKE OUT NOW?" Jade screamed.

"Okay, my precious." I not-so-vaguely referenced.

I began to make out with Jade.

**Jade's POV**

I was making out with Beck because apparently Beck's POV is full of lies and deceit and I need to confirm everything.

We ended up a tangled mess of limbs rolling around the floor of his RV. I bumped my side into the couch more than 3 times but luckily the random abuse didn't hurt.

Suddenly Beck decided to be SUPER SPECIAL AWESOME horny and touched my arm.

I screamed in pain and immediately wished I hadn't because my father never touched my arm, and so the author just made his/herself look like a total moron.

"My goodness, what is the matter, my beautiful Jade?" Beck asked.

Fuck. Fuck. What should I do? If Beck sees the OMG PANCAKES random abuse, he will not be happy!

"Jade, my beautiful cauliflower, please allow me to lift your shirt. Trust me; I'm not horny at all from our make-out session that bordered on an M-rating on ." Beck asked.

I completely threw my confliction from 5 seconds ago out the window because the author wanted to GET THE FUCK ON WITH IT and nodded, a tear forming in my eye.

Beck lifted my shirt and saw all the bruises, as well as the melted away skin where my dad's foot penetrated my body (sexual innuendos FTW).

"Jade, has your father been random abusing you?" Beck asked me, shock evident in his voice.

"NO HE FUCKING HASN'T I JUST DROPPED A PANCAKE ON MY BODY, WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK?" I snapped sarcastically. He fucking deserved that one.

"Jade, I am so sorry that you have the worst life of everyone in Hollywood." Beck said, hugging me. "I am going to get your father arrested."

Since the author doesn't realize the consequences of Jade's father being arrested such as Jade getting foster parents in Wisconsin, Jade becoming homeless, etc, Jade shall widely smile and will commence one, final, cheesy, OOC mental monologue. Brace yourselves:

_Well, I may have the shittiest life out of everyone on the planet, but it is okay because Beck is hugging me and the only family I have ever known is going to be locked up in prison. My body may hurt on the outside but on the inside, I have never felt better._

_Except for my ribs. Those sting like fuck._

* * *

><p><strong>I think this is the first actual 'story-like chapter' for a while now. I'm a bit worried I might have lost my touch slightly. What do you guys think? I'm still a lot happier with this chapter than I have been with some other chapters, don't get me wrong, but…<strong>

**I don't know where I'm going with this.**

**I just noticed, this is the longest chapter I've written so far for _That's So Original!_**

**OMG PANCAKE.**

**All feedback is greatly appreciated! So are suggestions!**

**-Ailodierap**


	8. Robbie Admits the Truth, AGAIN

**Wow… we aren't even 10 chapters in and we've already reached 100 reviews? Thank you SOOO MUCH! I'm so happy you're all enjoying my 'spoofing' (that's what I'm calling it from now on), thanks so much for all the suggestions and feedback!**

**Sorry for the slightly delayed wait. It's just, you know, first weekend after returning to school. You know how it is.**

**Now, I decided to move the spotlight away from Bori and Bade for a while, so to some people's joy, here's a CABBIE spoof!**

**Please note that this isn't really a cliché, as such. It has been done a few times, yes, but I haven't found a single low-quality write-up of this idea. But it has a lot of potential to be funny (from my point of view) so I'm going to go for it. It's a continuation of 'Prom Wrecker'! :D**

**Also, since there isn't much ACTUAL cliché material here, this chapter will also be covering something you've requested for a while – "the fandom's apparent inability to use spellcheck". Happy? No happy?**

* * *

><p>Cat wus laughing at Tug the Diaper Guy because apparently she can sense him even though he alredy left to 'play' with Jade. She was salso talking to Tug, because it's such a rgare occurrence to talk to your date that the author had to confirm it.<p>

Argghh… Microsoft Word keeps seeing 'Tug' as a grammatical error… I'm going to get annoyed VERY fast at this rate -.-'

"I'm going to get some punch, do you want some?" Tug asked PCat.

"No thanks Tug." Cat said. Tug walked away to get some punch (thank you author, but Tug DID confirm this himself).

Robbie, who was pying on Cfat and Tug (he's not a creep, he's just very protective, sort your facts out) walked out two go talk to Cat, COMPLETELY disregarding the fact that he had previously stormved off and made heimself look an ass.

"Hi Cat!" Robbie said happily. Wow, have they made up already?

"Robbie! Hi!" Cat said in her typiecal high-pitched voice.

"I… I have something to admit. I have seen you sockializing with Tug." Robbie said. Yep, of course Robbie knew that this random boy who was talking to Cat was Tug. He IS psychic, remember?

"Oh. Well hen I hope you're really sorry!" Cat said in a tbone of voice that suggested she was mad. But it JUST suggested it.

"I'm really sorry; I thought you were lying to me." Robber apologized. "I just thaought you were lying about having a date so you didn't have to go to the Pwrome with me."

"Why would I not want to go with you?" Cat as2ked. All of a sudden, every girl in Hollywood started laughing, because apparently they now all have OMG SUPER HEARING. Jade's dad must be getting around, BFIG TIME.

"I don't know. I mean, despitke the fact that four episodes ago I asked you all whaut was wrong with me and completely re-invented myself just to feel good about myself, I don't see anything wrong wqith me." Robbie said.

"Mei either…?"

"Where is this conqversagtion going?" Robie asked, voicing the thoughts of EVERY reader at 5his point.

"Why didn't you ask another girl to go to this Prome with you?" Cat asked for to be9gin the OMG cabbiefluff.

"I didn't waunt to go with anyone else." Robbie mumured.

"What was that? There wasn't enough emphasis from you saying it just once. Please repeat that." Clat asked for the author's convenience.

Okay, it appears Jade's dad left Cat out a bit.

OMG NO SUPER HEARING.

PANCAKZES.

"Cat! Come on uzp here and get redy to sing!" Torqi screeched down to them to begin the pointless filler section of the chapter.

"Cominfg! We'll talk in a moment, okay?" Cat promeised Robbie, ignoring the facat that he was about 3 seconds away from declaring his OMG UNDYING LOVE for her.

Cat turned into Catwoman and climbed up to the top of the wired balcony thing that no one understands the purpose of so she cfould get ready to sing 'LBFB'.

The music started playing. What a socking plot twist.

Now the author will just pointlessly write the lyrics to 'BFB', despite the fact that we've all heard it a millioun times.

Of course, since this is a Cabbie story, EVERY line will relate to Cat and Robbie's feelings for each other.

_I call you uup when I know hwe's at home,_

_I jump out of my 4skin whens he pick up the phone,_

_La blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah blahblah,_

_Blah blah blah, blah blahblahblahblah…_

_BLLAAAAAHHHH BLAAAHAHAHA BLAAAHAHA BLAAHAH_

Yeah, I'm not really big on songfics.

At the end of the song, the rain just radomly stopqed puring down as Cat leaped ofwf the balcony thing and landehd neatly on the ground. Without questioning the fact that no one said a thing or even looked her way for that matter, Cat walked back over to Robbie.

"So what did you almost repeat due to the lack of empahasis considering it was the main plot point?" Cat asked as the rain started RANDOM POURING DOWN again.

The rain drenched them both but added a strange, calming atamosp0here to the scene as Tobbie admitted the OMG TRUTH. Again.

"I didn't want to go with anyone butt you. I really like you Cat, and I didn't want to see you dancing with anyone else but me." Robbie admitted, finally growing a pear.

It's about time he finished the last chatper of character development. **(Recycled jokes FTW!)**

For the first time in HISTORI, Cat was speechless. Everyone in American breathed a huge flucking sigh of relief that Cat stopped LAUGHING for one second.

Of course, that's all it amo3unted to. One secsond.

"You like me? As in, _leik _me?"

That is what he just said, dipthonqg. Maybe her hair die really DO3S seep throogh to her brain.

Or maybe it's just the rain.

"Yeah, I do. I just di-" Robbie startded but was interupted by a mousth crashing against hids.

"Robbzie, I like you a lot toopo. I was just afroid to say anything because I thought you were in love with TFrina." Cat somehow admitted without actally pulling away from Robbie.

"Nah, we've got, like, another 5 minwutes before I'll be in love with Trina again." Robbie responded, checking the time on his PairPhone, whiwch magically didn't get wet.

"Cool!" Cat said. To enhantce her OMG AWESOME OOC-ness, Cat decided to drag the conversation out even longer. "I think I've always been in love with you but I just didn't know it. I know it now because I have th2e souper power of being able to reed my own mind."

Well, I figured there had to be ONQE person who understands her.

"So why were you so quick to say ysex to Doug if you knew you were in love with me?" Robbie asked, competely disregarding the fact that not only did Cat just say HEIRSELF that she didn't realizse she was in love with him, but also that he was psychick and could have found that out in a microwsecond.

"Because smut up." Cat said, crashing her lips into Robbie's again, because the author can't think of another way to describe intitiating a mcake-out session.

* * *

><p><strong>Wow. I found this a lot more challenging than I expected. Since Cabbie is one of my favourite ships, I almost slipped into writing seriously about 5 times while writing this. This actually didn't turn out as funny as I'd hoped cliché-wise, but hopefully the strange spelling errors make up for it. I sure as hell hope so, it's PAINFUL for me going to publish this chapter knowing how awful some of the spelling is. Then again, the spelling errors were PERFECT to add lots of hidden innuendo to this chapter ;).<strong>

**Chapter 9 is going to spoof songfics since I realized how much I hate them while writing this chapter. I have NO IDEA what song to use, so if you want the chapter to come quickly, PLEASE suggest a cliché song to use along with a pairing! Pleeeaaaassssseeee? :)**


	9. Finally Failing

**If any of these chapters are going to drive me insane, it'll be this one.**

**As you should know, I'm going to spoof songfics for this chapter. Almost every suggestion was either from the show, or by Taylor Swift. Since I honestly can't be asked to stay up listening to Taylor Swift on a Monday, I'll be spoofing 'Finally Falling' for Bori (cue the groans).**

**But since Taylor Swift songs have A LOT of potential to be funny spoofs, somewhere along the line, I will probably do some more songfic spoofs since there isn't really one set cliché for all songfics other than sticking EXACTLY to the lyrics, and even THAT cliché depends on the song. So yeah, long story short, look forward to other songfic spoofs in the future.**

* * *

><p>Before I begin writing this, I must inform you of the most OMG IMPORTANT rule: when writing a songfic, you MUST write a line from the song and then mimic that line near completely in the storyline (which usually doesn't exist in songfics anyway). Now that I have gotten the bottom line SOUPER RULE down, let's get started.<p>

_Suddenly, my choice is clear,_

_I knew that only you and I were standing here_

Tori knew ever since she laid her eyes on Beck that he was the one for her.

**(Goddamnit, I can't listen to my iTunes playlist while writing this! Frowny face.)**

_And beautiful is all I see_

When Beck looks at Tori, OMG BEAUTIFUL is all he sees.

_It's only you, I know it's true, it has to be_

Tori and Beck knew since the moment they met that they were OMG DESTINED to be together. Which is why Beck continued to date Jade. Leik duh.

_Well that money isn't worth a thing_

_If you didn't earn it, you don't deserve it_

Tori's rich boyfriend who was only created so the author could match the lyrics more omgaccurately wasn't the one for her. His money wasn't worth a thing to her, because he didn't OMG! earn it so he didn't OMG! deserve it.

_True love doesn't cost a thing_

_And if you try to buy it, you can't return it_

True love doesn't cost a thing. Tori's rich boyfriend tried to omg!buyher (sounds sketchy), so Tori omg!brokeupwithhim.

_Your friends are doing all the same things,_

_And my friends say "Look at what you're wasting",_

Beck's friends are all doing trying to omg!buytheirgirlfriends too, so all Tori's friends say, "Look at what you're wasting!"

_Well it doesn't matter if we change their minds_

But it doesn't matter if Tori and Beck can change their minds…

_Suddenly I can see what I didn't before_

_And I don't care what they say anymore,_

_Cause I'm falling, falling_

_Finally falling, falling_

Tori's eyes have been opened and she can now see what she couldn't before, and she doesn't care what other people say anymore because she's finally falling in love with the OMG SOUPER GUY OF HER DREAMS!

_I don't need all the finer things_

_Diamond rings are nothing, so show me something_

Tori never cared for all the finer things. Diamond rings are nothing to her because THAT'S WHAT IT SAYS IN THE SONG KTHX.

_Cause love is all I need_

_All I ever wanted, and now I've got it_

Tori only wanted to be loved. It was all she needed. When she could finally call Beck her own (umm… maybe she was dreaming?), she knew she had found the love she wanted.

_My friends are wondering what you're thinking,_

_And your friends, they probably think the same thing_

_It doesn't matter if we change their minds…_

Tori's friends are wondering what she's thinking, because according to the song Tori fell out with her old friends who were supportive of her love for Beck and found some new friends who think she's a pancake for loving Beck (OMG whaaat? I thought Beck waz leik, ze hottestest guy in Hollywood, leik? Whaa?) somewhere between the first and second verses.

Beck's friends probably think the same thing, because they can actually stay in character.

But, once again, it doesn't matter if Tori and Beck change their minds.

It doesn't really roll off the tongue no matter which order you say their names in, does it? Tori and Beck doesn't roll off the tongue. Beck and Tori doesn't roll of the tongue either. They're like the only pairing whose names don't roll off the tongue.

omg! RANDOM FILLER RAMBLING.

_Suddenly I can see what I didn't before_

_And I don't care what they say anymore,_

_Cause I'm falling, falling_

_Finally falling, falling_

Tori's eyes have been opened AGAIN and she can still see what she couldn't before, and she still doesn't care what other people say anymore because she's finally falling in love with the OMG SOUPER GUY OF HER DREAMS!

…

Again.

_If you can't find love when you're in it,_

_Just forget it_

**(You'll never guess what I typoed when I originally tried to write the previous line… o_O)**

The author doesn't know what to put at this part because this is the part of the song that, leik, nobody knows the omg existence of.

_It would change your mind when you're in it_

_Don't forget it,_

_Cause we did it,_

_Yeah we did it,_

_Well we did it_

INSERT OMG BADLY-WRITTEN SEX SCENE.

Tori, we don't want to omg know about your sexual escapades with your boyfriend.

Who you seriously must have dreamt about.

Leik, seriously. Cause, leik, yeah.

_Suddenly I can see what I didn't before_

_And I don't care what they say anymore,_

_Cause I'm falling, falling_

_Finally falling, falling_

_Suddenly I can see what I didn't before_

_And I don't care what they say anymore,_

_Cause I'm falling, falling_

_Finally falling, falling_

Tori's eyes have been opened again, AGAIN and she can STILL see what she couldn't before, and she STILL doesn't care what other people say anymore because she's finally falling in love with the OMG SOUPER GUY OF HER DREAMS!

…

Again.

…

OMG AGAIN.

You must be able to tell I'm copying and pasting this shit.

_Finally falling, falling_

_I'm finally falling, falling_

Then Tori and Beck moved into a magic rainbow castle and lived omg happily ever after!

Leik, OMG.

Cause, leik, omg.

Yeah.

Again.

Rambling.

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

Pancake.

* * *

><p><strong>This chapter was SO boring to write :(<strong>

**I seriously think I failed with this chapter, but since I quite frankly don't have the willpower to write it up again this is what you get. Leik yeah.**

**I'm completely torn between three ideas for the next chapter. Two of them I'm sure you'll LOVE, but I personally CAN'T WAIT to get started writing the third one.**

**Hmm.**

**We'll just wait and see, m'kay?**

**Thanks to everyone who suggested a song! Wait and see, your suggestion might be spoofed sometime in the future!**

**All suggestions and reviews and feedback and pancakes are welcome! :D**

**-Ailodierap**

**P.S. I don't know why I keep making pancake references. I just randomly typed "PANCAKE" in one chapter, then it became a running gag for the chapter, and then… well. Leik yeah.**

**Omg.**


	10. Boring vs Bad vs Batty PART 1

**I finally decided to commemorate the 10****th**** chapter of the story (as well as reaching 100 reviews, even though that was two chapters ago and since then we've already achieved 150) with the epic:**

**Bori vs Bade vs Bat!**

**Izz serious chizz.**

**I really hope you enjoy this chapter! :D**

**P.S. In light of 'The Worst Couple', I'd just like to say that, obviously, Beck and Jade will still be together for a good part of this series, otherwise certain clichés which may or may not be coming VERY SOON won't work at all...**

***cough*badepregnancy*cough***

* * *

><p><strong>Beck's POV<strong>

I was eating my lunch while staring at Tori, Cat and Jade, because apparently Jade prefers to hang out with them in this reality rather than her own boyfriend. I couldn't help being completely OOC in a mental monologue.

_Wow, all three of them look so hot, wait I should only think Jade is hot because she is my girlfriend. Leik duh._

Now let's switch to Tori's POV first because her opinion of Beck is OMG OBVIOUSLY the most important since Beck ALWAYS chooses Tori in these stories.

**Tori's POV**

I was eating my lunch with Cat and Jade the witch while staring at Beck. Completely disregarding the fact that the 'hottestest', most popular guy at Hollywood Arts was eating all by himself, I suddenly fell in love with him to create an OMFG!PLOTTWIST.

_Wow… even though I've known Beck for over a year now, I have suddenly realized how omg!hot he is. I am in love with Beck now I must make him love me because he deserves me instead of Jade the evil witch who, regardless of her being an evil witch, I am still eating lunch and hanging out with._

OMG JADE'S POV.

**Jade's POV**

I was eating lunch with two people who annoy the living pancakes out of me and staring at my boyfriend of two and a half years who I had left to eat lunch all by himself.

**(I ACTUALLY just typoed 'iOMG', and that episode is playing on TV downstairs… freaky… O_O)**

_OMG Beck is so hot luckily it is okay for me to think this because he is my boyfriend who I am in love with._

So you're implying that you've had a boyfriend you weren't in love with?

CAT'S POV FO'SHAW.

**Cat's POV**

I was eating lunch with Tori and Jade (how many times must this be confirmed?) and I was staring at Beck because OMFG! I'm in love with him! I know that's completely surprising and totally _not _cliché, but it's omg 100% true!

_OMG he is so hot and cute too!_

(THEY PRACTICALLY MEAN THE SAME THING! Argghhh… why do I bother?)

_I love him so much but he is Jade's boyfriend and since Jade is OMFG MY OMFG BESTIE OMFG! I can't make a move, I don't want to break my OMFG friendship and trust with Jade, the most untrustworthy girl in the school! Cause, leik, omfg._

_Pancakes._

**Nobody's POV**

…

(Again. Why do I bother?)

**Jade's POV**

I looked over at the devil Tori and saw her looking at Beck. I growled like a tiger and attacked. I leaped over Cat as though my father's Incredible Hulk gene was passed on to me through gene therapy and attacked Tori. I punched her and kicked her.

**Tori's POV**

Jade saw me looking at Beck and attacked me. She leaped over Cat and started punching and kicking me.

**Beck's POV**

I saw Tori staring at me, and Jade looked at Tori and leaped over Cat and started punching and kicking her.

Wait, is she punching and kicking Cat in this re-write, or Tori? This is ambiguous. I mean omg pancake.

**Cat's POV**

Jade was punching and kicking Tori (yeah, we get it, for fudge sake). I was staring at Beck and he got up and walked to us.

**Beck's POV**

Since Cat was just staring at me because she's in omg love with me, I went to Jade who was still punching and kicking Tori, who was just sitting there and taking it.

**Tori's POV**

_Oww… Jade is punching and kicking me._

WHAT. THE. ACTUAL. FUCK.

What was the point of that…?

**Author's POV**

Beck walked over to Jade stomping his feet like a goblin.

Jade was punching and kicking Tori. Still.

Getting annoyed? This is what some authors are ACTUALLY like.

Except I'm doing it on purpose ;)

"Jade what are you doing?" Beck asked.

"I'm punching and kicking Tori." Jade answered in her normal tone of voice despite all the strenuous effort it must be taking her to still be punching and kicking Tori.

"Well stop it." Beck said.

"Why are you defending her are you in love with her?" Jade asked.

"I'm defending her because she is my friend." Beck said.

"Pancake!" Cat said. No one even reacted.

"Okay then I guess you don't love me anymore! Maybe we should just break up!" Jade said.

"Maybe I don't so we are over kay bye." Beck said without any emotion.

"NOOOO PLEASE BECK DON'T LEAVE ME WHO ELSE WILL I HAVE PASSIONATE SEX WITH EVERY TIME MY FATHER RANDOM ABUSES ME?" Jade screamed at the top of her voice, deafening Tori, who was magically not too hurt, Cat, who wasn't even reacting to anything, and everyone in Hollywood.

"Don't worry I still love you I am just breaking up with you so the author can enhance the non-apparent storyline, don't worry - we'll enter a friends with benefits stage in about 3 chapters." Beck said to Jade. Wow, so Beck has x-ray vision AND he can see the future.

I seriously need to make a list of this stuff.

"Oh okay then!" Jade said happily.

Beck turned to Tori and Cat.

"I broke up with Jade because she is mean; she is not nice like you two." Beck said. Tori and Cat giggled.

"You think I'm nice, Beck?" Tori and Cat said. They looked at each other angrily.

"Beck is MINE!" Tori growled at her omg bestie Cat.

"No, he's MINE!" Cat screamed, deafening Jade.

Sweet justice.

Speaking of Jade, why the heck isn't she saying anything?

"He loves me!" Tori yelled.

"No he loves me!" Cat yelled.

"He loves me more!" Tori yelled.

"No he loves me more!" Cat yelled.

"He loves me the most!" Tori yelled.

"No he loves me the most!" Cat yelled.

"I hate you now!" Tori yelled.

"I hate you now too!" Cat yelled.

They both growled and walked away from each other, leaving their 'true omg love' Beck with his vicious ex-girlfriend Jade.

"So, Beck… about that 'friends with benefits' thing…" Jade started, before laughing evilly as though she is the antagonist despite being just as deceitful and despicable as the other two.

OMG TIME SKIP.

* * *

><p><strong>Tori's POV<strong>

I couldn't stop thinking about Beck all weekend. I thought about him while eating breakfast, I thought about him while doing the homework Sikowitz set me (he's the only teacher at Hollywood Arts, remember? You must always remember the cliché terrible author's way of thinking).

What kind of HOMEWORK would SIKOWITZ set?

"_Class, your homework today is to go home and perform a scene. Class dismissed."_

LOLSERIOUSLYWTF? Yeah… let's just pretend this rambling didn't happen.

I even thought about him while I was in bed! And the author didn't even make a sexual joke!

Oh… too late.

**Cat's POV**

Since this is pretty much a Tori vs Cat vs Jade story, Tori and Cat will be thinking pretty much the EXACT same thing. Observe:

_OMG, I can't stop thinking about Beck! I love him so much, I think about him all the time! In the shower, at school _(yep… school during the weekend…)_, even when I tried to climb up the chimney that one time!_

And now the author shall recycle some stupid joke about Cat's brother as an attempt to be funny.

**Jade's POV**

I was hiding in my room because my dad just random abused me, and I thought to myself:

_If Beck and I hadn't broken up, we'd be having passionate sex right now, and my dad would be arrested for the 87__th__ time._

What a sad life.

* * *

><p><strong>Tori's POV<strong>

Since the author expects you to instantly know that the weekend is over and everyone is back at school, I walked over to Beck.

"Hi Beck do you want to go out with me?" I asked bluntly.

"Yes." Beck answered.

_YAAYYY! He said YES! OMG! I'M SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW!_

I kissed him and ran away.

**Cat's POV**

I walked in the door about a few seconds after Tori ran off.

Now CAT has x-ray vision? Oh my god.

SIGH.

I saw Beck looking really happy, well, happy for someone who had just broken up with his OMG! true love of 3 years.

"Hi Beck! Will you be my BF?" I asked while giggling because that's what I do EVERY 4 SECONDS since Season 2 started.

Yeah, I actually just poked fun at Dan and the writers. Because Cat's sudden dumbness in Season 2 and 3 is one of the most annoying things. Seriously.

I fail at sounding serious, but take my word for it – I AM EXTREMELY ANNOYED BY IT.

"Okay, I mean I AM single so it would be great to go out with you Caterina Valentine." Beck said.

_OMG HE KNOWS MY FULL NAME THAT IT HAS NEVER ACTUALLY BEEN ESTABLISHED THAT I HAVE! YAAY!_

"Yaay! I love you! Bye!" I said, before kissing him and running away.

And now we see Beck's POV, in which he will completely change his emotions to add to the DRAMA.

**Beck's POV**

_Oh no… why did I say yes to both girls? Now I don't know what to do… I'm in love with Tori AND Cat! But oddly enough, I'm not in love with Jade. You know, my ex-girlfriend of 3 years? Yeah, her._

In the blink of an eye it was Friday evening and Beck was getting ready for his date with Tori. Also, he has a fetish for referring to himself in the third person. Wait, crap, why did he just say that?

Beck was dressed up in a handsome suit that made him look hot.

_Wow I look amazing I hope Jade, I mean Cat, I mean Tori likes it. One second._

Beck went to check his personal planner.

_Yeah, I've got a date with Tori tonight, then after the date I'm heading over to Jade's to comfort her after the random abuse her father began inflicting on her about 34 seconds ago but really we will just end up have poorly-written but OMG!romantic sex. And tomorrow night I've got a date with Cat. Cool._

There was a knock on the door.

_Oh!_

Beck walked over to the door and slapped the knock off the door.

_Man, I hate those things._

As he turned away to go finish getting ready, the door opened and Tori walked in_._

"Hi Beck I love you so much you look so hot and handsome okay let's go on our date." she said.

If this story was actually supposed to be serious, and if I was a girl, I would add a reference to the possibility of Tori walking in on Beck naked so the author has an excuse to imagine Beck naked. Since I'm NOT a girl, and this story is clearly NOT meant to be taken seriously, let's skip that part.

"Okay my beautiful Victoria let's go to the date." Beck said as though it was the actual name of the venue of their date.

Tori and Beck went on the date and had a lot of fun, they even kissed a couple of times but they didn't do anymore because they are not naughty!

After the date Tori and Beck started making out.

"I love you Beck, that date was so amazing, I don't even care that the author was too uncreative to think of an actual date and so made us stand around doing nothing for three hours." Tori said.

"I love you too Tori." Beck said but then he looked at his watch. "Oh, Jade's dad just finished random abusing her so I have to go initiate that 'friends with benefits' thing by having poorly written sex with her. I love you so much Tori!"

Beck went to Jade's house.

"Hi Mr. West even though we've clearly met many times in the past I'm still going to talk to you as though we've never met. May I see Jade?" Beck asked the closed door which he never actually knocked on.

"Of course I just finished random abusing her, she is bleeding to death and crying in her bedroom. Upstairs, second door on the right." Jade's dad said happily.

"Okay, thank you! You seem so kind!" Beck said before running upstairs. "Jade? Jade?"

Beck's x-ray vision showed him that Jade was crying.

"Jade, why are you crying?" Beck said, as though Jade's father didn't tell him just 30 seconds ago that she was, and I quote: "bleeding to death and crying in her bedroom".

I'm half-tempted to just copy and paste the ending of Chapter 7 here because, let's face it; it's not going to go much differently than that time.

"GO AWAY BECK I FUCKING HATE YOU!" Jade screamed at Beck.

"But what is the problem, darling?" Beck asked as though they hadn't broken up just about a week ago.

"MY FUCKING DAD FUCKING RANDOM FUCKING ABUSED FUCKING ME!" Jade screamed, because according to certain silly individuals, Jade cannot go one sentence without swearing.

"Here, little girl sprout, let me comfort you." Beck said, holding out his arms.

My god... I actually cringed writing that line.

"Okay!" Jade said happily.

Beck hugged Jade, then he kissed her and then took off her shirt and they started having sex!

OMG! The following scene is, leik, totally M-Rated, ya know? So, leik, if you were dumb enough to click an M-Rated story and not realise for 2000 words, skip the next part even though you have no way of knowing when the bad part ends if you're skipping it!

Beck put Jade on the bed like she was a little Barbie doll, and then took off her shirt (again?) and her pants and her underwear. Beck started to sex her and Jade moaned because it felt so good.

"Ohh Beck." Jade said.

"Ohh Jade." Beck moaned because Jade felt so good. He put his penis inside her more and they both came because it felt so amazing.

"Oh Beck, my beautiful ex-boyfriend whose guts I seemed to hate 5 minutes ago, I love you so much." Jade said.

"I love you too, you'll always be a beautiful little cauliflower to me." Beck said. Since the author has absolutely no clue how a guy's... reproductive organs work, (o_O) Beck suddenly got hard again, barely 20 seconds after they had finished.

"Oh wow Beck it is like a lamp post it is so long and hard, and it is lighting me up like one too." Jade said. "Sex me more, Beck!"

"Okay!" Beck said. He began to sex her again, and it felt so good it was like fucking a bucket of water **(that quote is actually from 'Terror Terrible Victorious Fic' by demondreaming, check it out if you want some more serious laughs)** luckily Beck's lamp post didn't electrocute the water because then Jade would have been hurt (because she definitely wasn't hurt by all that random abuse...).

Jade moaned. "Oh Beck!" because he was about 16 inches long, because apparently that's completely normal for a 17 year old guy. Then Jade had cum all over Beck.

"Oh Jade you are so amazing oh wow!" Beck cried out in pleasure as he was random abusing her beautiful womanflower **(also from 'Terror Terrible Victorious Fic')**.

Then Beck came.

"I have to go now my beautiful Jade, have fun sleeping in pain!" Beck said, leaving the house without cleaning up or even getting dressed, it seems.

Suddenly Beck got a text. He got his phone out of his pocket despite the fact that he's not wearing any clothes and looked at the message.

_Beck my amazing stud I love you so much come to me and sex me!_

_-Cat_

Beck smiled, before walking over to Cat's house, buck naked.

TO BE CONTINUED...

* * *

><p><strong>Seriously, I'm going to have to continue this chapter another time. Not only is it easily the longest chapter I've ever written for this series, but it was also showing no signs of stopping any time soon and since it's been so long since I've got an update out to you guys (2 months tomorrow, actually), I decided to continue the epic saga in another chapter.<strong>

**The sex scene, if you can call it that, was heavily inspired by two hilarious Victorious fics:**

**Terror Terrible Victorious Fic by demondreaming**

**Terrible by K9GM3**

**They are both purposely terrible Victorious fics and served as heavy inspiration for this story. If you're up for more hilarity, check them out.**

**-Ailodierap **


	11. Pregnancy 101

**So, in response to an anonymous review saying that because of the 'sex scene' last chapter, I should up this story to an M-Rating: what do you guys think? On the one hand, it'd give me more freedom to write more things like that but on the other hand, M-Rated stories are automatically filtered out of the archive when you first look through it, so I'm worried that not only would this story get less attention, but that you guys who haven't favourited this series or have it on alert will not know when I update. So, should I up the rating to an M?**

* * *

><p><strong>Due to popular request, here is the chapter you've all been waiting for – JADE. IS. PREGNANT.<strong>

**Izz serious chizz.**

**Jade's POV**

I woke up in a bed (how surprising…) and felt someone beside me.

I actually swear I didn't mean to make that sound dirty :3

I looked to my left and realized that it was my boyfriend Beck!

Prepare for the most OOC thing you've read since the last time I updated…

_OMG, did we, like, have sex? OMG OMG OMG OMG, this means I MUST be pregnant because it's impossible in FanFiction to have sex and NOT be pregnant._

Yeah, Jade did just break the fourth wall. Deal with it.

_OMG OMG OMG, I might be a MOM!_

Jade jumped out of bed and stomped through the room that the author still hasn't described AT ALL. Miraculously, Beck didn't wake up.

Jade got into the bathroom and pulled out a pregnancy test, because she always sleeps with those things, didn't you know? Get with it.

Since the author probably doesn't even know how pregnancy tests work, she will just place a time-skip WITHOUT A DIVIDER (OMG) and skip to the result.

Jade looked at the little pregnancy test in her hand, and tears began to flow down her face. I seriously hope her attitude is as positive as this result.

_I'm pregnant? NO! My life is over! The love of my life who I want to call my husband is the father to my baby! Things will never be the same again! OMG, I have to tell my parents! How will they react?_

_And of course, I'm going to tell Cat because she's my BESTIE DUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHH._

Yeah… I don't even understand where authors get that from.

Since Jade is pregnant, she will now begin to experience morning sickness within about 5 seconds.

350 words. POV switch time.

**Beck's POV**

I woke up in a bed (yes, thank you author, we are very aware that when you wake up, nine times out of ten it is in a bed) and IMMEDIATELY heard someone being sick. Since I couldn't feel Jade beside me like I normally do every morning (perv…) I instantly knew it was her. Well that and I used my x-ray vision to see through the wall.

_Whoever wrote Chapter 1 was really generous to me!_

Just so I could appease the author's sick fantasies (not mine, trust me), I forgot to put any clothes on as I ran into the bathroom.

"Jade what is wrong?" I asked.

"I am sick Beck and something else too…" Jade told me.

I was very surprised, even though I wasn't even told what Jade was.

"Well what are you?" I asked, completely ignoring the positive pregnancy test in her hand.

"I'm pregnant Beck." Jade screamed as if she wanted the whole neighbourhood to hear her. Jade then began to cry her eyes out because that's totally one of her characteristics.

"You aren't crying over the pain in your voicebox, are you?" I asked.

"No." Jade said without any emotion, even though just 5 seconds ago she was crying.

"We have to tell your parents, who you've never given a damn about for your whole entire life! What a big deal!" I worried out loud.

"No we can't my dad will random abuse me if I make him angry!" Jade cried.

"I don't care, because I love you so much." I said.

(?)

OMG TIME SKIP

* * *

><p><strong>Author's POV<strong>

"Okay now we are at my house." said Jade, because the author apparently doesn't know how to set the scene through narration.

"I'll knock on the door, my beautiful darling." Beck said lovingly, knocking on the door.

"Okay!" Jade said happily.

Wasn't she crying just a few seconds ago?

The door opened.

"Hi, Mr. West!" Beck said politely.

"JADE WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN YOU MISSED THREE RANDOM ABUSE SESSIONS NOW I WILL RANDOM ABUSE YOU AND YOUR BOYFRIEND TO MAKE UP FOR IT!"

"No, daddy! I'm sorry!" Jade screamed, attempting to run into the house inhabited by her dad, because that's just so fucking logical.

However, because this is a bade!pregnancy story, Jade is already about 5 months pregnant even though she only found out she was pregnant this morning.

As a result, she couldn't run like she usually does and instead seemed to waddle like a penguin.

"Noooooo!" Pingu – sorry, Jade yelled as her dad grabbed her and threw her down to the floor.

"THIS IS WHAT YOU GET FOR BEING PREGNANT, EVEN THOUGH YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE PREGNANT IN THE FIRST PLACE!" Jade's dad screamed, kicking her ribs again.

Never underestimate the power of the magic foot.

Now Beck will be omgsofuckingheroic and will try to save Jade, for no reason other than to give the author a reason to add lots of omg!badefluff to the chapter (shoot me... please shoot me).

"Get off of my precious Jade!" Beck yelled, trying to pull Mr. West off of her.

"No!" Jade's dad said, pushing Beck away.

Good effort.

Luckily, Jade's extendo-arm stretched all the way through Jade's OMG DISGUSTINGLY ELEGANT house to her bedroom and grabbed the scissors Cat got her for Christmas, since many Bade authors are blind to ANYTHING other than omg!badefluff and omg!catandjadearebesties!

Man... I can't wait to spoof that one.

...

OOPS! Spoiler alert... ;)

Jade got up and waddled away, even though she never actually slashed her father with the scissors. Maybe he got up to go make a sandwich.

"Jade! Come back my dear!" Beck said, running after his true love!

"No! My dad hates me, and he random abused me for being pregnant so I have nowhere to go because my daddy doesn't love me!" Jade said.

"But you have me." Beck said.

"HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT CHANGE THE FACT THAT MY DAD IS A PSYCHOPATHIC MONSTER, YOU FUCKING TWAT!" Jade screamed.

I'm actually laughing to myself picturing Beck's reaction to that one.

Since the author doesn't actually appear to be creative enough to think of a way for Beck to react, the author simply put a TIME SKIP.

_Let's do the time skip again_

:3

* * *

><p>Beck and Jade walked into the school happily. Suddenly Jade started screaming and crying.<p>

"NOO BECK I don't want to tell everyone at school that I'M PREGNANT! What if they all judge me for being PREGNANT?" Jade screamed. Luckily, since this is FanFiction, no one in the crowded locker area heard her.

"Jade you have to tell everyone, remember I am only pressuring you into doing things you don't want to do which is stressing you out and possibly harming our unborn baby because I love you and I am the most awesome, hottestest, sweetest boyfriend EVAR, and also the author needs a way to advance the plot and so is blatantly using my character as an excuse to do so!" Beck said, summarising his only real purpose in any omg!badepregnancy fics, EVAR.

Then Cat walked up.

This is an important thing that you must ALWAYS remember: In ANY FanFiction involving Jade (except for Cade), Cat is the most intelligent person on the planet and can psychoanalyse every situation in milliseconds.

"Hello there, Jade, my OMFG BFF." Cat greeted.

"What do you want?" Jade said irritably.

"OMG! Since you said one mean thing to me, this must automatically mean that you're pregnant, because you definitely aren't mean to people for no reason usually! OMG WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME I THOUGHT I WAS YOUR BFF?" Cat said, running off crying.

"Oh no I guess now I must run after her as an excuse for the author to establish the omg!sisterlybond that we DON'T ACTUALLY HAVE." Jade said worriedly, before running after her.

Waddling is, leik, SOO last month.

"Cat!" Jade said, finally catching up to her. (Wow, she must have ran an entire 30 fucking centimetres away)

"Jade I don't want to talk to you!" Cat said to the meanest person at Hollywood Arts.

Prepare for horrifying OOC-ness...

"I'm SOUPER SORRY! I didn't mean to not tell you I just didn't because I don't want people to judge me I am so sorry Cat you are my BFF for life and I would never want to change that, please forgive me I am just so sorry!" Jade begged.

My brain is bleeding.

"Okay!" Cat said.

TIME SKIP

* * *

><p>"Now we have to tell my parents." Beck said.<p>

"No I don't want to tell your parents they will judge me!" Jade said.

Nooo... we'd never judge a 17 year old girl still in school who's already pregnant.

"Jade, we have this conversation every time the author is so lazy that they add in a time skip, and you always give in so give in this time my beautiful darling."

"Okay." Jade said.

Beck went into his parent's house, apparently leaving Jade standing at the doorstep.

"Mom? Dad?" Beck called.

Suddenly Beck's parents appeared. What a shocking plot twist.

"What is it, my perfect little Beck?" Beck's mom said.

"I am pregnant and I am also going to have a baby." Jade said.

"Listen I know you hate Jade but I promise we will raise the baby ourselves and we will be happy!" Beck said.

"Beck, son, this is FanFiction, and we're your parents! You should know by now that whenever Jade gets pregnant, we instantly love her!" Beck's dad said.

"Okay!" Beck and Jade said together, happily.

"Now we need to tell the whole school that you are now 8 ½ months pregnant, because in bade!pregnancy fics, time really passes that quickly!"

Seriously, it really does.

* * *

><p>Beck and Jade somehow managed to get the whole school in one place for a special announcement. Of course, the author won't explain how they managed this, because that would require effort.<p>

"Attention everyone!" Jade said.

"What is it?" everyone said at once, because that's soo possible.

"I am going to have a baby!" Jade said, raising her arms and smiling widely as though she just told everyone she had won the lottery.

Since this is FanFiction, everyone, including the teachers shall be unanimously happy for Beck and Jade and will start cheering.

"WOOOO! WAY TO GO JADE! YOU ARE GOING TO BE A TEENAGE MOTHER! CONGRATULATIONS!"

And now that everyone knows, Beck and Jade must have a cheesy conversation to wrap up the tension.

"See, babe? Everyone is supportive of our baby!" Beck said.

"Yeah, I'm so glad I have you. My family may be a heap of shit but that doesn't matter because you are the perfect boyfriend and you will always catch me when I fall. You are always there for me when I have a bad time, and I love you so much Beckett Oliver, even though it has never been established that Beckett is your full name." Jade said in the most OOC voice she could, making herself sound completely STOOPID.

Suddenly to increase the omg!drama, Jade went into labour.

Since the author probably has little to no understanding of how going into labour or giving birth works, this next part will be so inaccurate, it will be absolutely horrifying.

"BECK! I'm in labour!" Jade said.

"Wow there is water all over the floor!" Beck said.

"My water broke I am going to give birth!" Jade said.

Luckily, Hollywood Arts keeps an ambulance ready in the storage room in case something like this happens (which it seems to, like, every other day).

Jade got in the ambulance screaming from the horrible pain of her labour. Beck and Cat got in the ambulance as well and since the author has simply NO CLUE, they weren't kicked out for not being family.

"We are all here for you Jade." Beck said as they wheeled her into the hospital, even though Beck and Cat were the only ones there.

Jesus, where the fuck was the hospital? Just across the road? That was the shortest fucking ride I've ever heard of -.-

Unless that mysterious bear regurgitated the ambulance to the hospital. It's possible...?

"All except my dad." Jade said sadly, because apparently the pain of labour completely went away so that one line would be more dramatic.

"NOO! WAIT!" a mysterious voice called out.

"Who could that be?" Cat said, confused.

Well, obviously since the author mentioned Jade's dad just 5 seconds ago, it could only be him.

Jade's dad ran over to Jade, Baywatch-style, happily with a beer bottle in one hand and nothing in the other.

Wow... let's all applaud the author for paying so much attention to detail that they even mentioned that Jade's dad's hand had nothing in it!

"Jade my beautiful daughter, I am here for you!" he said happily.

WTF.

Just WTF.

"Daddy, you're here for me." Jade said happily.

"Of course darling. Character development finally caught up with me." Jade's dad said.

"I don't think character development can still affect a guy who's in his 40s." Beck pointed out.

"Sure it can. Wait 25 years, look at Justin Bieber, and then try telling me that again."

Jade was wheeled into the room that the author doesn't even know the name of.

"Okay Jade, even though we haven't prepared you at all and you've only been in the room for 5 seconds, PUSH!" the nurse said.

"ARRGGHHHH! IT HURTS SO MUCH BECK I CAN'T DO IT!" Jade screamed.

"Yes you can my dear, be strong! We all believe in you!" Beck encouraged her.

"AAAAAGGGHHH! I CAN'T GET THIS DAMNED THING OUT OF MY WOMANFLOWER!" Jade yelled.

"I can see the head Jade. One final push." the nurse said.

"ARRGGGGHHH!" Jade screamed as she pushed one final time.

"It is a beautiful baby girl." the nurse said without even pulling the baby out.

"What should we call her?" Beck asked.

Remember the teachings of Chapter 5: Since it is a girl, it will have a horribly laughable name that no real girl would ever have.

PANCAKES.

"Let's call her... Blazia Lacey Bellasophia West." Jade said happily.

"Okay." Beck said, since he ALWAYS goes along with whatever Jade wants to name the child.

"We are all going to be one big happy family." Jade's dad said.

"Yeah... yeah." Jade said, omg looking at her beautiful new daughter, and then at her beautiful boyfriend Beck, and her 'loving' father.

Blazia Lacy Bellasophia West.

God help her.

Wait, where the hell is Cat?

* * *

><p><strong>Dear god, I'm so worried that this hasn't lived up to the hype that stalling it has created. I'm so sorry if this disappointed you! :(<strong>

**I'm just glad I've finally got this chapter out to you guys. It's been hanging over my head since I first started writing it 4 months ago so it's a relief to finally see it make it onto this site.**

**Please review with your opinion on this chapter! And also I ask again: should I change this series to an M-Rating? If you need to re-read why I can't decide, it's in the opening author's note to this chapter.**

**I've had enough of spoofing Bade for now, so next chapter will NOT be Bade or Bori.**

**In fact, to narrow it down even more, it won't be a Beck ship at all. ;)**

**-Ailodierap**


	12. Sex, Text, Sex, Text

**Nominated for 'Best Parody' in The Topaz Awards 2012? Really? Thanks so much for all the support you guys have given me and this story! The voting has begun, so GET YOUR BUTTS down to the Topaz Awards 2012 forum and VOTE!**

**Over the last few months, my computer has been messing up big time. On and off since last Christmas, which is why updates have been so scarce lately (on top of lack of time due to exams). My computer has been sent away to be repaired (for the 6th time) and I don't believe for one second that they can fix it. In the highly likely event that my computer begins to crash again after I get it back (I'm using my dad's old laptop right now), it may be a while before I update again.**

**Also, this chapter is NOT the chapter I had planned to write next. Sorry to whoever got their hopes up. But I have half the chapter I had planned to add next typed up on the computer that I currently DO NOT HAVE, so I have to write this one instead.**

**This is a chapter I have been looking forward to writing for a long time. There are only 5 or 6 stories about this in the archive, but I read them all and more than half of them have pretty much this EXACT SAME STORYLINE. It's the Bade text fight from 'Tori Tortures Teacher'! Credit for this idea goes to 'Gothic Guitars and Silver Rose', who was actually just 'Gothic Guitars' when he/she first gave me the idea. Nice idea, thanks!**

**Due to the typical nature of the clichés these stories contain, this chapter will contain references to M-Rated acts.**

**Man this is a long author's note.**

* * *

><p><strong>Disclaimer: Do I really need to say (type) it?<strong>

* * *

><p>So, anyone who watched 'Tori Tortures Teacher' must be curious as to what Beck and Jade were text fighting about. Right? I know I am. And, as we know, this is FanFiction, so Beck and Jade have sex leik, every day, am I right? Good, because that's all they EVER argue about in these stories. SEX.<p>

These fanfictions are basically the author typing up the Bade subplot scenes from the episode word-for-word, and just adding in what he/she believes Beck and Jade were texting about. Very rarely does the author create any scenes by their self.

Without a creative opening, let us proceed!

**To: Beck**

**From: Jade**

_Last night wasn't very fun, which OBVIOUSLY means our relationship is in trouble._

Beck looked at his phone without any sort of emotion, according to the lack of description. "What? Really?" Beck said, looking at his girlfriend Jade.

Jade nodded.

"Okay!" Beck said, annoyed, and began typing back omg!furiously.

**To: Jade**

**From: Beck**

_Since I'm such a cocky shit in these stories, I should probably mention that you seemed to enjoy it, considering the sounds you were making._

"What? What?" Jade said furiously. "Okay, you wanna go there?" even though what Jade said in response doesn't appear to match Beck's text. The author can't hear as he/she is blinded by the omg!drama.

**To: Beck**

**From: Jade**

_Because I know how to have a good time, despite being a moody teenage goth who hates almost every living AND non-living thing on the planet!_

"Hey guys!" Tori greeted happily even though that's not how she greeted them in the episode (Tori is not Jade or Beck, so the author doesn't care less about how well-written she is).

"STAY OUT OF THIS!" Beck screamed angrily at her, since the author, being a Bade shipper, must obviously hate Bori with a passion meaning that this was probably his/her favorite scene in the episode and so over-exaggerated it completely.

"BACK OFF!" Jade also screamed angrily at her, because varying your adjectives is no longer an issue.

Beck and Jade shall now mysteriously stop arguing for a couple of days because they didn't have another scene until then, and the author obviously isn't going to go write a new scene because that requires EFFORT.

And now the divider! We all know what that means, folks!

TIME. SKIP. O. M. G.

* * *

><p>Later, at the theater that the author assumes you know the purpose of…<p>

**To: Beck**

**From: Jade**

_Even though you haven't replied yet since we CLEARLY have no lives off-screen, I'm going to send you another text anyway. It's obvious you didn't enjoy our sex, because a 17-year old guy having sex with his hot, 17 year old girlfriend of 3 years obviously won't make any sort of sounds of enjoyment or pleasure. According to the author, that's how I know you didn't enjoy it._

Beck said, "What? I'm sorry, what?" even though he clearly read what Jade texted him.

"You read me." Jade said.

(Wow, thanks _soo _much for confirming that Jade. How would we ever get by without you?)

* * *

><p>Now, Beck's phone OBVIOUSLY got swallowed by a kangaroo as he left the theater, since he apparently didn't reply for another 2 or 3 days.<p>

Using his psychic powers, Beck defeated the evil kangaroo lord to get his phone back (this is sounding more and more like an episode of 'South Park') and finally replied to Jade, who he was still omg angry at.

**To: Jade**

**From: Beck**

_Well you'd enjoy it no matter what guy was on top… you'd probably go with Sinjin if it meant having a dick shoved up inside you._

_Yeah… that kind of language is definitely part of my personality._

Jade was sitting at the table with Cat, helping Tori to audition potential girlfriends for Sikowitz. Because, you know, it's not like you watched the episode or anything.

"Eugh! Unbelievable! Okay…" Jade said angrily and began to text Beck again.

"Still fighting with Beck?" Cat asked. Surprisingly, these authors DON'T add in a horribly OOC mental monologue about how much Jade appreciates Cat always being there for her as her BFFL. Thankfully, too.

"Ohh yeah." Jade said without an adjective. "There!" Jade said as she finished her text.

**To: Beck**

**From: Jade**

_Like you don't have wet dreams about sleeping with 5 sluts at once._

"What'd you text him?" Cat asked.

Jade showed her the text, and Cat gasped before covering her ears up.

Since that was the last we saw of the subplot, Beck must now instantly forgive Jade (it's not like Beck EVAR has anything to apologise for, leik, because he's omg!perfect in every goddamn way).

Now the author uses the miniscule bit of creativity he/she has stored away at the back of his/her mind to create a cheesy, OOC ending.

**To Jade:**

**From Beck:**

_I instantly forgive you. Come over to my place tonight._

And then they lived happily evar after!

**I'm sorry this chapter was truly awful and unfunny… to be honest, I knew going into this that this chapter wouldn't have much in the way of comedic value. I was just looking forward to writing this chapter so much because I just HAD to have a comedic rant about this cliché, because it's just so STOOPID. And to be honest, these fics just DON'T deviate from this sort of storyline. They argue about the last time they had sex, Beck just randomly forgives her out of nowhere and then they are all happy happy again! No emotions, no descriptions, no anything other than sexual references and scenes we've already seen on T.V.**

**So, sorry that I've made you witness to my little rant. I got my main computer back while I was writing this chapter, so the chapter that I had originally promised would be next will DEFINITELY be next this time. Just to remind you:**

**It is not about a Beck ship at all (thank fuck for that).**

**It is a rather popular pairing.**

**Also, as a second reminder, REMEMBER to get down to the Topaz Awards 2012 forum and vote for your favourite fanfiction!**

**Have fun waiting! :D**

**-Ailodierap**


	13. Finally, a Femslash Spoof!

**My god guys, it was enough just to be nominated, but to WIN 'Best Parody/Humour'? Thanks SO much for ALL the support you guys have given me, your positive feedback and amazing ideas and suggestions are the sole reason this story is still alive and kicking. I hope I can continue to entertain you all in the future with this story! But, can I just say that the other nominees for 'Best Parody/Humour' are absolutely HILARIOUS, and I DEFINITELY recommend going to check them out. Since I honestly can't remember all the other nominees or their authors, you should look at the 'Nominations' thread in The Topaz Awards 2012 forum to remind yourself.**

**Okay, so like I promised, this chapter is NOT going to contain a Beck ship (well, one will be mentioned, but the chapter isn't going to revolve around it). Ever since I last updated, I've been making the impossible decision of which of two ships I should spoof in this chapter. I've thought and thought and thought, and I've finally decided that since I have a lot of ideas in mind for the pairing, this chapter is going to contain the magical, wonderful JORI! (Tori/Jade). **

**Before reading this, I'd just like to mention that most fics that follow this storyline are absolutely fantastic. In paticular, 'Streetlights', (winner of 'Fic of the Year') written by amberpire, (winner of 'Author of the Year') is absolutely brilliant... possibly the best fic in the entire archive. Definitely the best fic I've EVER read. So although amberpire is very unlikely to read this here, this chapter is dedicated to her and 'Streetlights'.**

**P.S. Dedicated to SmileyP and GG too;)**

**Hope you enjoy!**

* * *

><p><strong>I'd put a disclaimer but that's too cliché.<strong>

* * *

><p>"Jade I think we need to break up." Beck said, and at that exact moment, I broke down in tears over the fact that I have to write Beck for YET ANOTHER chapter.<p>

"NOOOO PLEASE I LOVE YOU!" Jade screamed in the middle of the scene that hasn't been set yet.

"I'm sorry my darling, it's not you – it's me." Beck said.

"If that were true, I'd be breaking up with you, STOOPID!" Jade yelled as tears flowed out of her eyes like they were Niagra Falls.

"I'm sorry." Beck said sadly. "I just need some time being single."

Beck's phone went off.

"Hey Cat, yeah I just dumped her. On my way." Beck started saying even though he never answered him phone or even got it out of his pocket. He walked out talking into thin air. "Yeah, I got the cupcake flavoured condoms..."

Jade broke down and fell to the floor in tears, because that's SOO one of her characteristics.

**Jade's POV**

_Now what do I do? My life is OVER because my splendorous boyfriend dumped my heart and also he broke up with me! That means I have almost nothing to live for and must be a horrible, miserable bitch to everyone!_

Yeah, because you definitely aren't already a bitch.

Oh wait, this is femslash, so Jade must have a hidden soft side that is so pathetically hidden that it comes out every time Jade soaks up negativity like a sponge.

So, canonically, Jade is a sponge.

And Robbie is a dinosaur. ;)

(?)

_Since I'm OMG so not independent, I must go to someone to be comforted! Who shall it be?_

This next part is pretty much the author's excuse to provide what he/she thinks is Jade's opinion on every member of the group.

_It can't be Robbie because everyone on this site hates him. And it has to be Tori so yeah._

_It can't be Cat because Beck is sexing her right now. And it needs to be Tori so yeah._

_It can't be Beck because he is sexing Cat right now. The fact that we just broke up isn't at all important, lol get a life. Plus, Beck isn't Tori so yeah. _

Oh, I'm sorry, was your previous thought not trustworthy enough?

_It can't be Trina because she doesn't exist. Leik, duh._

_It can't be André because it has to be Tori because this is a Jori fic and I am the ultimate Jade West._

_OMG!_

_I hate to admit it, but it must be TORI VEGA!_

Now Jade will walk to Tori's house while giving an oddly OOC mental monologue about how she hates Tori but OMG! secretly loves her, because apparently, the author see that as a shocking plot twist that isn't absolutely predictable in a Tori/Jade femslash.

Now the author will swap to Tori's POV because showing the next scene from Jade's POV is apparently illegal.

* * *

><p><strong>Tori's POV<strong>

I was doing something (yep, that's actually the author's idea of 'setting the scene') when someone knocked on the door.

"Oh my who could that be?" I said as I pranced happily over to the door of mystery.

I opened the door and it was...

JADE WEST!

Oh my god! DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN!

Because it's not like Jade's ever been in my house before.

"Jade?" I asked in disbelief.

"No, it's Santa." Jade said.

"Okay. Come in Jade!" I said. Silly Jade, trying to trick perfect ole' me.

I turned to Jade because as she walked in a second ago I was apparently having some kind of staring contest with the door.

"What's the matter?" I asked Jade, who was standing there happily.

Suddenly, something terrible happened!

"WAAAAAHHHHHH!" Jade collapsed and started crying on the floor like a baby whose super extreme Barbie doll just got taken away.

"Oh my goodness, what a plot twist! I mean, what's the matter?" I asked.

"Beck broke up with me!" Jade said while flooding the house with the tears of the pain of her love (love, not voicebox. Love.).

"Oh. I am so sorry for you Jade, the character I seem to hate more than anyone else on the show, I hope that someday you can have a life that doesn't totally suck." I said pathetically. I mean, **sym**pathetically.

"All I want is to be loved!" Jade cried because she _totally_ wasn't loved for the past 3 years since the show began.

"You are loved. But OMG not by me I'm totally not in denial or anything I just SOUPER DON'T LOVE YOU!1!11!" I exclamaimified.

Jesus, I actually had some kind of weird, random spasm there. So sorry.

"Why can't I just be happy, despite being a total bitch 99% of the time and hating almost everything that exists?" Jade said while crying a river.

Tori reached out her arms and gave Jade a big old hug, for about 20 minutes.

Yeah, they definitely are _not _flirting...

The author shall now attempt to introduce the idea of Tori and Jade dating extremely slowly for to drag the story on for as long as he/she can!

"In the most omg _non-seductive _way possible, do you wanna come up to my bedroom?" Tori asked Jade like she does every time someone writes up this cliche.

"Why?" Jade asked to set up a way for the author to confirm that they aren't going to have poorly-written sex yet.

"I don't know, we can just listen to music and watch movies until you feel better." Tori answered, the author unaware that they made it sound as if Jade had caught the flu, not had her heart broken only to be comforted by the person she has oh-so-convenient-yet-random feelings for.

_Wait. No. What am I thinking. I love Beck. Not Tori._

_I'm getting so tired of thinking that in EVERY. GOD. DAMN. SLASH. STORY. EVAR._

Wait, does this mean that Jade is narrating?

So, during this chapter, I'm Jade?

Oh god.

Despite the fact that Tori and Jade have completely polar-opposite personalities meaning that Tori would NEVER have any movies Jade would watch without puking, Jade nodded her head in agreement.

The two went upstairs and put on some pyjamas, because Jade would definitely wear the kind of pyjamas I assume Tori buys.

They sat on Tori's conveniently king-sized bed and watched several films while drinking hot cocoa that apparently just materialized in their hands. Unfortunately, the films didn't have names because deciding what the films were called required creativity.

After Tori and Jade were both too tired to watch another movie, they started the argument. Yeah, you know the one; the argument that romance stories involving sleepovers always contain.

"You can have my bed Jade, I'll go get my sleeping bag." Tori said to set up the obvious result of this argument: they share the bed. Happens every time.

"No way Tori, which I now call you regularly instead of Vega because you've been about 5% nicer to me over the past 5 hours, I don't want to deprive you of your bed, because selflessness is _definitely _one of my characteristics. I'll have the sleeping bag." Jade said, sans adjective.

"No, you've been through enough bad stuff for one day, you can have my bed."

Yeah... spending the night at the house of the girl who Jade hated this morning but now apparently has deep, complicated, secret feelings for, watching movies and drinking cocoa _while wearing her pyjamas _definitely falls under the category of 'bad stuff'.

Now Jade shall develop a speech impediment to say this one crucial line.

"W-well... we-we could... sh-share... the bed?" Jade proposed. At this point, Jade must have an OOC mental monologue like she does in, leik, EVERY story, evar.

_What am I asking? _(*facepalm*) _Did I seriously just suggest SHARING a bed with TORI? I mean, I love her and all, but... no! Wait! I don't love Tori! I love Beck! _(Dèja vu?)_ But I would still like to sleep in the same bed as her... because that's what all people who 'hate' each other want._

"Umm... okay." Tori said nervously, and climbed into bed with the scariest girl in Hollywood.

And now Tori and Jade will just talk about Beck because I'm _sure_ that's what Jade is in the mood to do, and at some point they will start making physical contact but will magically be okay with it, and will finally fall asleep in each other's arms.

"So... do you want Beck back?" Tori asked quietly.

"Seriously? I showed up on your doorstep crying!" Jade exclaimed, seeming to forget that the author actually made her hold in her tears of pain and sorrow until she was in the house, "How could you think for even one second that I don't want him back?"

Since Tori and Jade always become besties about 200 words into these stories, Jade said this in a very friendly tone which she never even speaks in on the actual show.

"Sorry, it's just that you've been so happy these past few hours, I figured you must obviously be completely over your boyfriend of 3 years since you were happy for 5 whole hours!" Tori apologized.

"It's just that you're being so nice to me. I don't understand it!" Jade said.

"Don't understand what?" Tori asked, because her invisible hearing aid apparently turned itself off for the first half of Jade's last sentence.

"All these years, I've been mean to you and yet here you are being totally nice to me! I mean, despite the fact that those are just our stereotypical characteristics and that realistically, this situation would never possibly go down any differently, it just doesn't make sense!" Jade sobbed.

"Jade, you're my friend." Please note: the moment that Tori tells Jade how close they actually are is ALWAYS when the physical contact begins. You must ALWAYS obey this rule, because pancakes say so. "And I don't like seeing my friends sad, even though I never seem to give two fucks about how Beck feels in these fics." Tori admitted, gently placing her hand on Jade's arm.

Now since Tori is OBVIOUSLY a robot, her touch felt like electricity running down her arm.

PLEASE NOTE: In ANY romance story, no matter WHO is touching who, it ALWAYS feels electric and AMAZING and the characters always think 'this is how it should be, cause leik, _omfg_.'

However, the characters conveniently only notice the electricity the first time they touch because writing about it every time they touched would be too much EFFORT.

Jade flashed the most OOC smile she could at Tori.

"Thanks Tori." Jade said, and since the conversation is now over, Tori and Jade conveniently fell asleep in about 0.2 seconds, and about 0.2 seconds after _that_, the author kicked herself mentally for not noticing the change in POV halfway through the scene, thus making it canon that not only is Tori a robot, but she's also psychic.

Time-skip! GO!

* * *

><p>Now, for the next scene, Jade must <em>always <em>be the first one to wake up. No exceptions EVAR.

Jade woke up before Tori and was omg!shocked to find that she and Tori had their arms over each other and were snuggled together! Omg!

Jade was shocked and surprised (don't those mean the same thing? -.-) to see how she and Tori had began snuggling together in the middle of the night, but she didn't flinch and move away like most people would in that situation because she is the Jade West, leik duh.

And now Jade goes all OOC in _another _mental monologue.

_Whoa! We're snuggling together! _(yes, thank you author, how many times are you going to confirm this fact?) _This is wrong, which is why I still haven't moved even though I've known for the past thirty seconds! And yet, it feels so right..._

_What's that...? Y-you want to know why... why- it feels right? Umm... B-but, y-y-you don't ask that!... C-cause that's the way it is, o-okay? There's n-never a reason why! That's just... that's just how it is!_

You see that? What Jade thought?

_This is wrong, and yet, it feels so right..._

Take that, write it about 9208 times, and BAM! This story is pretty much complete.

Basically, the first two or three chapters that these events happen in and the only ones of any importance until OMG! They get together.

After this, pretty much the _entire _fic will just be Tori and Jade thinking about how their feelings are wrong but feel so right even though they can provide NO reason as to _why _they feel right. Soon it'll get to a point that Jade goes completely OOC and is suddenly perfectly okay with holding hands with Tori, and this leads to kissing on the cheek and hugging, and then they just randomly realise one day that they are each other's OMG!truelove and get together, having poorly-written sex and proclaiming their SOUPER pancakes love for each other. THE END.

* * *

><p><strong>Man, I'm really sorry for the sudden drop in quality and the sucky ending there, but after realizing I had won an award, I just wanted to get this out to you guys as quickly as possible to say 'thanks'. So yeah, suckish ending aside, I hope you enjoyed the chapter! Don't worry, there's more slashfemslash spoofing on the horizon...**

**Thanks again to ALL who nominated this fic and/or voted for it! Remember to review with feedback, and any suggestions for chapter ideas! :D**

**-Ailodierap**


	14. Dear FanFiction Writers, NO, From Jack

**Very important AN at the end of this chapter. Just saying. Oh, and this one is quite important too. Just saying.**

**Okay, so recently I had a horrible crisis involving this story. My computer crashed and for some mysterious reason, I lost my ENTIRE file for this story. My cliche list, my finished chapters, EVERYTHING. So I had to start from scratch. I had to read through ALL of your reviews and re-type the entire list, I had to copy and paste every chapter back into a word document, and I had to decide a completely new cliche to spoof since I lost a half-written chapter and I now can't remember it.**

**Tooooooooo-day I'm going to be spoofing something I'm sure you guys have seen before: **

**Ready for this?**

**DEAR FANFICTION WRITERS. (DEAR GOD...)**

**I'd also like to say right now, that I'm not in the greatest of moods today. So if I seem a little more... rude than usual, that's why. I sincerely apologize if anything I write offends anyone. You know it's all jokes, right?**

* * *

><p><strong>Disclaimer: Get lost, you know I'm not Dan Schneider.<strong>

* * *

><p>Once upon a time, there lived a person.<p>

The end.

No wait, there's more.

Said person happened to be a fanfiction writer, and one day she (I'm not going to bother with 'he/she' because let's face it: 95% of fanfiction writers are girls) got very angry about something and wanted to rant.

Her parents would have sent her to a mental institute for ranting about Victorious fanfiction so she decided to rant on the website.

"Oh no!" she cried in terror. "How am I going to get everyone's attention?"

She thought about this for a while, until her solution was finally handed down to her by the mighty lord of dinosaurs (rawr).

"I know! I'll just use the most over-used tactic of ranting of 2012!"

And with that_, __Dear Fanfiction Writers #9178 _was born.

* * *

><p>Now, you must ONLY write one of these if you are obsessed with Bori or Bade and want to completely destroy the other ship and bow down to your own ship because that's what most Bori and Bade shippers do. You MUST only rant about the episode <em>Tori Goes Platinum <em>because that episode revolved around Tori, Beck and Jade, who are the ONLY important characters in the whole entire show, as we know. Therefore, this is the only episode anyone cares about. Leik duh.

Now, if you are a omg!Bori shipper, you must ALWAYS write in Beck's POV, and be absolutely perfect in every way, except to Jade, because as we know she is a heartless bitch in VicBORIous.

EXAMPLE:

_Dear fanfiction writers,_

_Hey everyone, since I'm omg!perfect and hot, I must say that I do not appreciate how you have suddenly stopped bowing down to me _(because Beck is just the fuckin' king of the world, no?) just because I tried to kiss Tori. I do not care that Jade is not over me, because for one thing, the writers haven't even confirmed that, you morons. And secondly, I love Tori now because she is just omg so perfect and beautiful and talented and perfect and sweet and perfect and caring. Did I mention she's perfect?

Whereas Jade is just a heartless, jealous bitch who doesn't deserve to be loved, because according to most Bori shippers, being jealous suddenly makes you an evil witch rather than a loving girlfriend. Which is why I don't love her. I know the author hasn't realized that I obviously DON'T think these things since I dated Jade for 3 years, but she is so blinded by the omg!pancakes BORI fluffiness (yeah, "Jade I hate you go die in a fucking hole.", it's so fucking fluffy -.-) .

And now we reach the completely stupid physics-breaking part of the story that all writers MUST HAVE. Penalty: instant death, + a £2000000 fine. (Oh, wait, silly me. $2000000.)

**Tori: OMG Beck you are soooooo sweet and even though I'm using the psychic powers established in the very first chapter to infiltrate your letter, I just want to say that my character was completely flip-turned around in the last 24 seconds, and I love you now. Let's get married and run into the sunset, because that's not leik a running gag or anything.**

****OMG I love you too Tori, I love you so much that I have mutated into an OOC mess! Let's run into the sunset together!

From, Beck.

PS: Jade, calm down.

* * *

><p>Now, if you are a Bade shipper, you must write in Tori's POV and say how you OMG will never go out with Beck and pretty much puke out my entire monologue to Beck four hundred and seventy-two times (yes, I did just write a number out in words. It's still possible, you know).<p>

EXAMPLE:

_Dear fanfiction writers, _

_OMG! Why would you guys think I would EVER love Beck? I mean, it's made me so angry that I'm magically OOC now! Meanies. Beck is OMG! Jade's ex (because we definitely didn't fucking know that) and I could never kiss a friend's ex-boyfriend, even though I have clearly demonstrated not once, not twice, but THREE times throughout the series that I clearly have no problem with kissing a friend's current boyfriend, let alone an ex-boyfriend._

_ And also, I would never date Beck because it would hurt Jade, since he is her ex and she OBVIOUSLY still loves him because the author is a Bade shipper, so Bade is the only pairing in existence. Leik obviously. _

_By the way, I won't ever go out with Beck because dating a friend's ex is a terrible thing to do and I could never do it because it'd hurt her. And did I mention, Beck is Jade's EX-BOYFRIEND? (YAY, the stupid part again!) _

_**Beck: I'm so sorry Tori, in fact I'm so sorry that I got a brain transplant from Mewtwo (it's a psychic pokemon for you losers who don't know XD) and developed psychic powers to break into your letter and tell you instead of texting you like a NORMAL person would. I shouldn't have tried to kiss you, I know now that all of my character development since 'The Worst Couple' was just because I was confused and I now know that I'm still in love with the beautiful and amazing Jadelyn West, even though it has NEVER been confirmed that Jade is just a nickname rather than her full name (seriously authors, just... ugghh.). **_

_**Jade: OMG Beck, I leik love you so much will you get back together with me so we can do more sex and maybe establish this chapter as an OMG!prologue to the chapter from months ago when I got preggers?**_

**_ Beck: OMG let's do that! Cause, leik, OMFG. BECK USED TELEPORT! _**

_Did I mention, that I'd never date Beck because he's Jade's ex? _

_From, Tori._

* * *

><p>Suddenly, the author will realize after posting this 'chapter' and getting 97 reviews all ranting about the episode that they should write more because apparently they are OMG sofuckingpopular because they got a bunch of morons to scream at each other.<p>

So the author will then proceed to write thousands upon thousands of half-assed, 100-word chapters about each character which will gradually get worse and worse, until finally the author is reduced to writing the chapter about Russ that EVERY one of these stories must have:

_Dear fanfiction writers,_

_WHY U NO WRITE STORIES ABOUT ME?_

_From, Russ._

Dafuq?

Let's just go blow up the Earth now.

* * *

><p><strong>And that's the chapter! I feel like this one is lacking in comedy a little, and if it is, I apologize. At least it's a new chapter.<strong>

**Also, I'd again like to apologize to anyone I've offended. I know I was a bit rude in this chapter but I've had a stressful few weeks so cut me some slack, hey?**

**And now the important part:**

**Not only do I have my final exams to worry about, but I'm working on my school production (I'm putting 110% into getting the Scottish accent right) and my computer is constantly being sent away to be repaired, leaving me unable to write. Also, being the last summer I had before we go our seperate ways, I want to spend the next few months with my friends, so for now, I'm sad to say I'm going to be leaving the site for a while. I'll be back, obviously. Probably in a couple of months, probably by September. I'll still occasionally be dropping in and I'll still be reading and reviewing stories, but I need a breath of fresh air. Like I said, I'll definitely be back (after you guys voted That's So Original! as Best Parody, how could I not?) but it won't be for a while. Sorry for the random timing but I need to get this off chest. Bye everyone, but not forever!**

**Pancakes :)**


	15. Boring vs Bad vs Batty PART 2

_**Previously, on That's So Original!...**_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Beck's POV<strong>_

_I was eating my lunch while staring at Tori, Cat and Jade, because apparently Jade prefers to hang out with them in this reality rather than her own boyfriend._

Wow, all three of them look so hot, wait I should only think Jade is hot because she is my girlfriend.

_**Tori's POV**_

Wow… even though I've known Beck for over a year now, I have suddenly realized how omg!hot he is.

_**Jade's POV**_

OMG Beck is so hot luckily it is okay for me to think this because he is my boyfriend who I am in love with.

_**Cat's POV**_

I love him so much but he is Jade's boyfriend and since Jade is OMFG MY OMFG BESTIE OMFG! I can't make a move!

* * *

><p><em><strong>Author's POV<strong>_

"_Okay then I guess you don't love me anymore! Maybe we should just break up!" Jade said._

"_I broke up with Jade because she is mean; she is not nice like you two." Beck said. Tori and Cat giggled._

"_Beck is MINE!" Tori growled at her omg bestie Cat._

"_No, he's MINE!" Cat screamed, deafening Jade._

"_I hate you now!" Tori yelled._

"_I hate you now too!" Cat yelled._

* * *

><p><em><strong>Tori's POV<strong>_

"_Hi Beck do you want to go out with me?" I asked bluntly._

"_Yes." Beck answered._

* * *

><p><em><strong>Cat's POV<strong>_

"_Hi Beck! Will you be my BF?" I asked while giggling because that's what I do EVERY 4 SECONDS since Season 2 started._

"_Okay, I mean I AM single so it would be great to go out with you Caterina Valentine." Beck said._

_**Beck's POV**_

Oh no… why did I say yes to both girls? Now I don't know what to do… I'm in love with Tori AND Cat!

* * *

><p><em><strong>Author's POV<strong>_

_As Beck turned away to go finish getting ready, the door opened and Tori walked in._

"_Hi Beck I love you so much you look so hot and handsome okay let's go on our date." she said._

* * *

><p>"<em>GO AWAY BECK I FUCKING HATE YOU!" Jade screamed at Beck.<em>

"_But what is the problem, darling?" Beck asked as though they hadn't broken up just about a week ago._

"_MY FUCKING DAD FUCKING RANDOM FUCKING ABUSED FUCKING ME!" Jade screamed, because according to certain silly individuals, Jade cannot go one sentence without swearing._

"_Here, little girl sprout, let me comfort you." Beck said, holding out his arms._

_Beck hugged Jade, then he kissed her and then took off her shirt and they started having sex!_

* * *

><p>Beck my amazing stud I love you so much come to me and sex me!<p>

-Cat

_Beck smiled, before walking over to Cat's house, buck naked._

* * *

><p><strong>Yes, it's the chapter you've all (or at least, some of you) been waiting for! It's the second part of the epic saga: Boring vs Bad vs Batty! <strong>

**About the 'taking a hiatus' thing… well I've got a new computer that works now, the weather has been terrible where I live so I don't get much opportunity to see my friends… and I've missed writing! So I'm back early!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Victorious.**

* * *

><p><strong>Beck's POV<strong>

_OMG I can't wait I'll get to sex Cat JUST after sexing Jade! This is leik a dream come true for me, because my character was definitely written by Dan Schneider to be a sex god and a total player!_

I couldn't wait any longer and so I ran to Cat's house. Luckily it was the middle of the night so no one could see that I had left all my clothes at Jade's house.

I got to Cat's house, because apparently she only lives 92 fucking centimetres away from Jade, and knocked on the door.

Cat's brother opened the door.

"HI! Despite the fact that you and Cat have been friends for years, I apparently have never met you so I still need to OMG!introduce myself to you. I'm Cat's brother, Frankie, because 1) Ariana Grande's brother is called Frankie, and 2) Creativity is a bit of a rarity nowadays, I find." Cat's brother said all in one breath, never once questioning the fact that I am at his house, in the middle of the night, wearing no clothes.

"Okay! I'm gonna go sex Cat now because she texted me asking her to, and I'm sure she wouldn't mind me telling this to her crazy and wild brother." I said with no emotion because the author was too lazy to think of an adjective, before running upstairs.

Cat's brother stared at my butt as he ran up the stairs, because I never gave my psychic powers back to Mewtwo after the last chapter and so I could sense this.

"Hmm. Not bad." he said, before growing wings and flying away.

"OMG, Cat sweetie, I'm here to sex you!" I said as I opened OMG the door (what fucking door?) and ran inside the room that apparently doesn't serve any purpose.

"YAAY let's have some fun!" Cat screamed as she took off all her clothes as if they were on fire. If it was me I would have stopped, dropped and rolled but Cat is rather stupid, after all. Leik, duh.

I moved towards her with my nakedness armed and ready, but she put out her hand and yelled "STOP!", as though she's Inspector Goole or something. "We forgot the cupcake-flavoured condoms!" Cat said, apparently pulling them out of her bellybutton because she sure seems to be wearing no clothes right now.

**Author's POV**

**(This potentially COULD maybe possibly be interpreted as ever so barely M-Rated if you care about that sort of thing)**

Beck started to sex Cat, and Cat moan because it felt so good.

"OMG Beck sex me more!" Cat screamed, because apparently the author doesn't care that this is the EXACT SAME FUCKING thing as what happened with Jade.

"OMG WHAT IS THIS!" Tori screamed as she walked into the, as of yet, still purposeless room.

"Oh no! A plot twist! Tori my beautiful darling I am so sorry this isn't what it looks like!" Beck said, again, with no emotion.

Tori looked down at Beck's penis in Cat's womanflower because she is OMG!a sick pervert in these stories.

"THAT'S not what it looks like? OMG Beck you BETRAYED ME OMG I CAN'T BELIEVE IT I HATE YOU WE ARE OVER!" Tori said furiously before running away, screaming and crying from the pain in her voicebox of her love.

"Cat why was Tori here?" Beck asked, completely unfazed by the fact that one of his three OMG!true loves just broke up with him and ran away.

"I invited her! We were having a sleepover!" Cat told Beck, apparently forgetting that just, like, 2 hours ago, she and Tori hated each other. Of course, continuity is a bit too… advanced for the author to handle regularly, so let's cut her some slack, eh?

"But why did you ask me to come have sex with you if Tori was here?" Beck asked.

"Because for to otherwise the plot would go nowhere so the author always uses my stupidness to advance the plot so made me have sex with you while Tori was nearby!"

"Oh, okay! Well I have had enough of sexing you for tonight. See you soon." Beck said with no traces of sadness or confusion AT ALL in his voice. He put his clothes back on that Jade apparently threw out of her bedroom window and they flew the entire 92 centimetres to Cat's house, because clothes CAN fly. Never mind what those idiot scientists say.

Then he left. (Really? I thought he was going to stay trapped in Cat's house for all of eternity.)

He got a text. He looked at his phone (I thought all texts went through to his toaster.) and read it out loud for absolutely NO reason:

_OMG I just realized you cheated on Tori and me and now we are going to tell Jade for no apparent reason but hopefully this will horrify you because for some reason maybe you may not want us to tell Jade that you were dating us but I'm sure there is no reason like that! OMG WE HATE YOU!_

_-Cat _

Beck started crying because suddenly he's just a fucking pussy. The character development is strong with this one.

_OMG I'm the coolest guy at Hollywood Arts and I just got dumped by three girls all at once, even though Cat only told me like 5 seconds ago she was on her way to tell Jade! Now what will I do? OMG, wait a minute, something is stirring inside me… OH NO! I still have feelings for one of them, but apparently it makes sense for me not to know who so the author can create a MYSTERYomg!_

Time to skip! (If anyone recognizes that reference… you are awesome and you are my hero.)

* * *

><p>Now the author will make all the girls randomly be omg!bestfriends again CAUSE SHE CAN. (Kill me. Please.)<p>

Tori, Cat and Jade were standing by the lockers, because of course you all know it's Monday despite the lack of confirmation.

"We need to get revenge." Jade said because in 95% of fanfiction, she is an evil bitch who doesn't care about anyone but herself.

"Yeah I think we should make Beck jealous by flirting with other guys." Cat said.

Wow. Someone's eager for some a-loving.

The girls all said okay so Jade went and kissed André, and Cat went and kissed Robbie, and Tori kissed another boy, because the main characters are the only people at Hollywood Arts with NAMES, apparently.

Beck walked in and almost broke down crying.

**Beck's POV**

_Nooo! They have all moved on! Whatever shall I, the hottestest, most OMG!awesome and cool and perfect and hot and (overexaggerated) amazing guy in Hollywood who has about 6600 girls lining up to date me at any one time do now that I have lost my true loves?_

**Author's POV**

Now watch the author's pathetic attempt at keeping you in 'suspense' by not revealing which girl Beck is talking to until the end of the scene.

Beck walked up to the girl he liked confidently, even though just 3 seconds ago he was bawling like a newborn baby and kissed her, because foreplay is no longer a necessity.

"Oh my pancakes! Why did you kiss me?" she said.

"Because I still love you, even though a 17 year old guy who just lost all three of his omg true loves in one night is generally expected to have moved on by within two days!" Beck said, and kissed her again.

"Wow, I'm going to go completely against my character and say that I still love you too! Let's go out again, rendering the entire last two scenes absolutely purposeless!"

"Yes, let's!" Beck said. "I love you Tori!"

"I love you too!" Tori replied, and they began making out in the middle of the school where Cat or Jade could easily see them.

* * *

><p><strong>Tori's POV<strong>

_OMG! Beck is about to go out with me on a second date, because this is absolutely a realistic thought._

I went into Beck's RV, forgetting to knock again.

"Hi Beck omg I still love you so much you look so hot and handsome let's go on our date." I said.

"Yes let's go." Beck said like a robot, since he was not provided with an emotion to say this line in.

We went on the date which again must have consisted of them doing absolutely nothing since the author was too lazy and/or uncreative to think of something.

After the date me and Beck did some naughty stuff and he sexed me a few times in my womanflower (I always thought guys sex you in your ear, but Beck seems experience enough…).

"Oh Beck." I moaned.

"Oh Tori." Beck moaned.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's POV<strong>

Beck left even though they were in his RV and went to school, apparently without putting any clothes on.

He went to Sikowitz' class because you must remember that Sikowitz is the only teacher in the school.

"Acting is when you portray a character from a play or a movie." Sikowitz taught the class because apparently his Junior Year students at a PERFORMING ARTS school don't already know that.

Then Beck got told by, apparently, nobody to go to the Principal's office.

Beck went to the Principal's office (how surprising…) and Helen told him he had a phone call from the hospital so she gave it to him.

"Hello?" Beck said.

"Beck, this is the hospital that has no name because thinking of one requires creativity and effort on the author's part." The person on the other line said.

"What is it?" Beck asked.

"There is a young girl here who is pregnant and she says you're the father." The person said.

"Oh no! Who is it? Is it Tori or Cat or Jade?" Beck screamed down the phone.

"It's…"

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><p><em><strong>OMGDUNDUNDUNNNNNNNN!<strong>_

**I'm not sure if I'll ever write a part 3 of this because, quite frankly, I don't think I have the willpower to make this story even more of a mess that it already is. -.-'**

**However, if you guys want me to eventually do a part 3, just tell me in a review and I will.**

**So, it's been a long time coming. The next chapter will finally be spoofing CADE! Have fun waiting. See you soon! Remember to leave suggestions for future chapters or just feedback! :3**

**-Ailodierap**


	16. Still a Better Love Story than Twilight

**I recently got back from my holiday in Spain. As expected, I don't have a tan. I'm a shade less pale. But enough about that. :(**

**As promised before, this is going to be a Cade spoof! And considering that me spoofing Cade has been hyped up beyond belief, I'm really hoping I can satisfy you all with this chapter. By the way, it's Cade romance that I'm spoofing here, since I've basically mocked Cade friendship ever since like the first chapter. :P**

**P.S.: Credit to JustAdorkable whose suggestion inspired this spoof. It's not 100% identical, but thanks for the inspiration! :)**

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><p><strong>Disclaimer: I do not own Victorious.<strong>

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><p><strong>Author's POV<strong>

Beck and Jade were having sex because that's obviously all that two 17-year olds do when they're in a relationship.

"Oh, Beck, oh." Jade moaned.

"Oh, Jade, oh." Beck moaned back, as though they're communicating in some kind of secret code.

**Jade's POV**

I was having sex with Beck, and felt the need to confirm that for the second time within 50 words. But suddenly I had an overwhelming urge to say a name so I did.

"Oh, oh… Cat!" I said, and then time froze so I could have a mental monologue.

_OMG, why did I say Cat instead of Beck? OMG this means I must be in love with Cat so I'm now instantly an OMG!lesbian. Oh no how will I tell everyone?_

**Beck's POV**

"Oh, oh… Cat!" Jade said as though the author sent us back in time by a few seconds.

_OMG she said Cat instead of me? Why doesn't she love me anymore? I'm perfect and hot and awesome and amazing and talented and hot and flawless and hot and OMG! Why would she break up with the Beck Oliver?_

"Why did you say that? Are you an OMG!lesbian? OMG!" I said completely in character.

"Yes, I am an OMG!lesbian. I'm so sorry Beck, I hope we can always be friends." Jade admitted completely in character.

"It's over between us Jade." I cried from the pain of losing my OMG!lesbian girlfriend.

"OKAY FINE IF THAT'S THE WAY YOU FUCKING WANT TO BE THEN FUCK YOU!" Jade screamed, before running out of my RV with no clothes on apparently, crying her eyes out and cursing.

Jeez, I thought Cat was the bipolar one.

I looked at Jade's clothes on the floor.

"Shit… this is really becoming a running gag, isn't it?"

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><p><strong>Cat's POV<strong>

_OMG I love ponies because I'm weird and I also am hungry for some onions but not as much as I am hungry for popcorn. I love popcorn almost as much as I love Jade! Oh wait, no, I don't love Jade, what are you saying Cat._

OMG such a realistic thought. Round of applause for the author.

Suddenly there was a knock on the front door so I answered it, because the front door is apparently now in my bedroom.

"OMG Jade?!" I said.

"Can I come in?" Jade said.

_OMG it sounds like she has been crying! She must have broken up with Beck because it's not like she ever has anything else to cry about in FanFiction!_

"Of course! What's the problem, my amazing BFF!Jade?"

Jade started crying as though a dam inside her eyes had suddenly broken and let loose all the tears of pain from her love for someone she can't have been attracted to in the first place.

"Beck and I broke up!" Jade answered like it's the most surprising plot twist in the world.

_OMG I KNEW IT! _

"Oh I'm so sorry Jade, here you lie in my bed and I'll go get the movies and ice cream!" I said, quickly running out of my bedroom which we are automatically in since the front door is in my bedroom, remember?

**(Aaaaaand just stop for a second. This is the part that really just makes me go WTF? o_O I mean, Jade? Movies and ice cream? It's like oil and water, or cheese and chalk. What are these people even thinking?)**

**Jade's POV**

_Okay now I am laying on Cat's bed. Mmmm it smells of her perfume so much that it turned me OOC again._

Cat arrived with two tubs of Ben and Jerry's that apparently don't cost shit in these stories as well as a copy of 'Girly Teen Girl OMG Angst Love Story 3' on DVD.

_Wow, this DVD totally fits the mood right now._

Well that's not surprising; the author made it up to exactly fit the situation. Why can't they be watching something decent? Oh wait… it's FanFiction. Forget I said anything.

My phone started ringing so I answered it without looking at the caller ID to create OMG!suspense.

"Hello?" I asked, wondering who it was.

Of course, this is FanFiction so it could only be Beck.

"Jade I'm really sorry, even though you're the one who admitted to being an OMG!lesbian and forced me to end the relationship, and even though you're an OMG!lesbian, I still want to give you another chance because there's absolutely no trauma or heartbreak that could come from a guy dating an OMG!lesbian! Will you come back to me?"

"No Beck, I'm happy now, even though just five seconds ago the author said I was sitting on Cat's bed crying! I have to do this, it's what's best for me and I want to live my life being myself, I don't want to live a lie anymore, *insert another cliché statement about coming out here*. Okay? If you love me, you'll let me do this." I said while crying my eyes out before hanging up.

"Who was it?" Cat asked, leaving the reader to question whether this is the author playing on Cat's dumbness to make a joke or if the author is actually THAT stupid.

"It was Beck." I said, wiping away the last tears even though just 2 seconds ago I was crying my eyes out. "He wanted to get back together with me but I said no."

"Okay. Even though I was sitting right next to you as you ranted about not living a lie anymore and coming out of the closet, I still feel obliged to ask: why did you break up?" Cat asked, curiously.

"Umm I'd rather not talk about it." I said, my entire personality changing in the blink of an eye.

"Jade come on, I'm your best friend and you can trust me with anything, I'll never betray you because you're my best friend forever and nothing will ever change that!" Cat said because that's totally something she'd say to Jade in the actual show.

"Okay! We broke up because I told him I'm an…" I said before pausing to create suspense for no reason. "I'm an OMG!lesbian."

Cat gasped really overdramatically.

"OMG Jade why didn't you tell me?!"

"Because the author only decided to make me an OMG!lesbian like twenty minutes ago." I answered back.

"Oh, okay! How do you know you're an OMG!lesbian?" Cat asked.

"Because I'm in love with another girl, even though I was clearly upset and heartbroken when I broke up with Beck, so it strikes me as odd how I could be in love with someone else, but whatever." I answered.

"OMG! Who is it?" Cat asked.

I didn't answered and I instead just kissed her.

_Wow her lips are so soft._

Yeah… that's still a pretty overused line.

It was a perfect kiss and Cat kissed back and made me the happiest person alive.

"OMG!" Cat said even though we haven't pulled apart yet. "You love me?"

"Yes, I always have, ever since 20 minutes ago when the author decided that I do."

We started kissing again when Cat suddenly went completely OOC and ripped my shirt off, because I totally wear clothes that can be ripped like paper.

We started undressing each other and then we sexed each other all night and it felt so good.

"Oh, Cat oh." I moaned.

"Oh, Jade, oh." Cat moaned.

Then we fell asleep, leaving the ice cream out to melt.

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><p><strong>Cat's POV<strong>

I woke up because the author has absolutely managed to establish that it's now the morning after simply by placing a divider.

I looked to my side and OMG! Jade was sleeping next to me.

_OMG! Did we have sex? OMG! But I can't be an OMG!lesbian, even though I admitted right at the beginning of this trainwreck of a chapter than I love Jade!_

Jade conveniently woke up at the exact moment I was doubting my feelings towards her.

"What's the matter baby?" Jade asked.

"Don't call me that, you FREAK! I'm not an OMG!lesbian! Get out of my house!" I screamed because it's totally in character for me to scream at Jade, of all people.

"But Cat I'm so sorry!" Jade cried.

"No, Jade, you need to leave." I said.

"Okay." Jade said. She put her clothes on before leaving, for once.

"Now I will have to date a boy to prove I'm not an OMG!lesbian! While I'm at it, I better choose a boy who's a total asshole so when he does something horrible, Jade can comfort me and we can fall in love and live happily ever after."

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><p><strong>Jade's POV<strong>

I walked into school because of course the readers instantly know it's the next day now.

I saw Cat kissing a boy and started to cry because that's totally in character for me.

"OMG Cat I thought I meant something to you even though you pushed me away and called me a freak! How could you do this!" I cried before running away.

"Oh no, now what do I do?" Cat said, distraught. Because obviously Jade inherited her dad's superhuman hearing abilities from Chapter 7.

**Cat's POV**

"Just ignore that bitch, I'm way cooler and hotter than her." My nameless new boyfriend said.

"Okay." I said sadly and kissed him again. Suddenly he decided to be a jerk.

"Hey BITCH kiss me again!" he said, smacking me in the face.

"OWW! OMG why would you do that?!" I screamed, falling to the floor dramatically.

"Because if I didn't then the plot would never go anywhere! BITCH!" he said before slapping me again.

Suddenly SuperJade came flying in out of nowhere and helped me up, despite the fact that just twenty seconds ago I broke her heart and made her run off crying.

"Thanks Jade." I said.

"BEAT IT, LOSER." Jade said to my boyfriend, whose personality took a 180 degree turn (again), who wimpily agreed and ran away.

"Aww Jade you saved me!" I said, hugging her.

"This doesn't mean I'll take you back." Jade said, suddenly stern and rude.

Wait, what? CAT rejected YOU. How could you suddenly go and say that?

…

For the sake of my SANITY, let's move on.

Jade ran away again.

"Oh no, what do I do now?" I asked myself again.

* * *

><p><strong>Jade's POV<strong>

I was standing in the abandoned alleyway behind the school that they only just put in, apparently, smoking a cigarette because this is a Cade fic.

**(A certain person reading this will be very happy right now!)**

Suddenly Cat came running up.

"Jade I've been thinking about how you saved me from that nameless, fifty-second villain and how I've treated you. I've been so horrible to you and you don't deserve it, and when you saved me I realised… that I love you. Again. Would you like to get back together?" she said.

"I don't know if I can forgive you for this." I said, even though every single sentence in this fic has clearly indicated that I'm madly in love with Cat and would never turn her down providing I had a functioning brain. Which I do. Leik yeah.

"But I'm so sorry, and I know I love you now and I want to be with you, please give me another chance." Cat said apparently emotionlessly.

"Okay, I forgive you. I want to be with you for the rest of my life and I want to make you happy." I said, kissing Cat (apparently, while I was talking) and hugging her, because it's totally possible to do both simultaneously.

"I love you Jade." Cat said.

"I love you too Cat." I said.

* * *

><p><strong>I love you too, pizza.<strong>

**Wait, what? Oh yeah, the chapter's over.**

**So… did that live up to the hype this Cade spoof has generated? I hope so! :3**

**In all honesty I have no idea what I'm going to spoof next. Please leave me some suggestions! And even if you don't have any suggestions, if you enjoyed this chapter, leave me a review! It means a lot! :D**

**-Ailodierap**


	17. Jade Gets Crushed' Gets Screwed Up

**Hello again guys! So, I've got some exciting news… right after I uploaded Chapter 16, this story hit 15,000 views! Thank you all so much for the support! And we're nearing 300 reviews! That's amazing! Again, I can't thank you guys enough for all the support you've given me.**

**I actually was torn between two ideas for this chapter, and I literally made my mind up about 2 minutes ago. This chapter will spoof not just one, but two, count them, TWO alternate endings to a certain episode which I will not reveal the name of…**

**Oh wait, yes I will. It's 'Jade Gets Crushed'. I have to give credit to BelleTheWickedWitch, without whom this chapter would not be written right now, since she inspired it. Thank you!**

**So, I hope you guys enjoy. :)**

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><p><strong>Disclaimer: If I owned Victorious, I would have given Matt, Ariana and Liz their own comedy sketch show, not some absurd spin-off for Jennette and Ariana.<strong>

* * *

><p>So which alternate ending should I cover first? Hmm… I'll start with the obvious one.<p>

DIVIDER

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><p>"This is a song I wrote for, uhh…"<p>

"For his dog!" Tori interrupted André, since using dialogue from the show is obviously the best way to start a fanfic.

"I love my dog." André said.

Then Tori and André started singing.

(Really? Thanks for letting us know.)

_Monday, oh baby I fell for you,_

OH FUCK NO she's writing the lyrics! NOOOOO!

_Tuesday, I wrote you this song,_

_Wednesday, I wait outside your door_

Stalker, much?

_Even though I know it's wrong._

Almost as wrong as you using the song lyrics as filler.

I'm just gonna skip ahead, since we know how this is gonna go.

The song ended and everyone started hugging because that apparently is now in the same scene and Cat, Robbie, Beck and Jade all magically teleported up to the platform Tori and André were singing on.

Then André and Jade hugged since they are leik, the only important characters EVAR in this fic.

They pulled away, but then André stared at Jade like a creepy old dude (I've noticed he has a way of doing that in these spoofs).

Jade stared at André.

Everyone else stared at them because they felt left out.

Suddenly the most OMG!shocking plot twist EVAR happened and André kissed Jade!

Jade kissed him back even though she's dating Beck, since it's impossible to just reject someone when they try to kiss you in fanfiction.

"André!" Tori and Beck yelled at the same time because they are both psychic.

"Oh no, I'm so sorry Jade!" André apologised even though he apparently still hasn't pulled away and Jade is the only one who seemed not to be bothered by the kiss.

Then Beck suddenly developed a personality and punched André in the face. "HOW DARE YOU KISS JADE SHE'S MY GIRLFRIEND!"

"I'm sorry!" André screamed.

Beck kicked André in the side because that's _soooo _in character for him, and then walked away, but Jade ran after him because the author suddenly remembered that she still exists.

Unfortunately, the author forgot that they were all magically teleported up onto the platform, and so Beck and Jade fell over the side and died.

_**THE END.**_

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><p><em><strong>OR NOT.<strong>_

"Beck why did you do that?!" Jade asked because clearly she's that stupid.

"Because you kissed André!"

…what? Just five seconds ago you said… no. I won't question it.

"I'm sorry Beck!" Jade screamed, breaking down in tears out of nowhere.

"No I can't take you back not after what you've done I can't forgive you, sorry Jade we are over forever." Beck emotionlessly said before walking away.

Jade turned away and screamed, "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" before collapsing to her knees and letting the tears free (because it's not like she was "breaking down in tears" just two paragraphs ago).

Since Beck and Jade are now broken up, this scene serves no purpose and so the author will place an OMG!divider to cut to the next scene without showing anyone else's reactions.

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><p><strong>Jade's POV<strong>

_Today, Beck broke up with me and I'm so omg!sad that I decided to become an emo, so I guess I better go cut my wrists now. FML_

I cut my wrists over and over again without any detail or description from the author because that requires EFFORT.

**André's POV**

_Today, I kissed my best friend's girlfriend and now he hates me but my love for Jade is stronger than ever, so I'm going to do the only thing my underdeveloped personality will allow me to do, and write a song about it. FML_

I couldn't stop thinking about Jade and so I wrote a song about her to sing to her, because that _totally _worked the last time.

**Beck's POV**

_Today, my best friend kissed my girlfriend and I broke up with her because she betrayed me even though I specifically just said that HE kissed HER. If I had any sort of realistic personality, I'd be upset. FML_

I was so angry at André and Jade that it was all I could think about, because it's not like I have a life outside of the main plotline.

Pancakes.

**Author's POV**

The next day at school (even though yesterday was the FRIDAY NIGHT concert), at lunchtime André suddenly stood up and said:

"Jade, I have a song to sing for you."

Everyone cheered as André started singing, but all of a sudden, the story conveniently cut forward to after he had finished singing.

Maybe this is the UK airing.

"Thanks everyone. Jade I know that you only broke up with your boyfriend of three years just yesterday but I love you and I want to go out with you forever." André admitted, because it's not like his actions yesterday gave his feelings away or anything.

"I don't care André, I never loved Beck anyway, because this is a Jandré fic and obviously I never loved my boyfriend of three years because you're the central male character and thus you're the only boy I could ever have feelings for. I love you and one day we'll be such an amazing couple that all of Hollywood will know us and we'll have our own Tumblr page." Jade said. Before she even stopped to breathe, she kissed André in full view of Beck, Tori, and everyone at the school.

"I love you Jade." André said, even though he was still kissing Jade.

"I love you too, André." Jade said, even though she still hasn't breathed since before her speech.

Then they ran into the sunset together even though it was only lunchtime and Beck had provided no reaction to this whatsoever.

Then again, it is _Beck._ What were we expecting, in all honesty?

**Jade's POV**

_Today, I ran into the sunset with the love of my life, André, but the sunset was too hot and I got burned, so I decided to convert back to emoism and cut my wrists again. FML_

Okay, one ending down, one to go! Enjoy! :D

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><p><strong>André's POV<strong>

"What are you doing in my house?!" Tori asked, because this author is obviously a Tandre shipper and thus this scene's events are not relevant up until Tori's entrance.

_Oh my god she looks like Jade!_

"What in the world? Why are you dressed like Jade?" I asked, because the author was too lazy to go look up what I ACTUALLY say in this scene.

"Say something intelligent or shut your face!" Tori snapped.

_Oh my god she is so much like Jade she looks so beautiful!_

I… am bored of this already, so let's skip ahead to the moment we all know we're waiting for.

"Deal with it. Because if you and I were ever boyfriend and girlfriend, I'd be way meaner to you." Tori told me, threateningly.

_Oh my god she is so beautiful I guess this means I better kiss her because it's impossible to just find a girl attractive in FanFiction WITHOUT kissing them._

I started leaning in.

_Oh my god, André is leaning in to kiss me!_

Yeah, I guess Beck finally gave away his psychic Pokémon powers to André.

_Oh my god, I feel bad about kissing him even though I haven't yet because he doesn't like me in that way and he thinks I'm Jade, but on the other hand I have secretly been omg! in love with him ever since the day I met him because this is a Tandré fic so one of us will always be in love with the other. What do I do?_

I let André kiss me and it felt like fireworks, just like every kiss ever shared in all FanFiction to ever exist.

We pulled apart (because obviously when a first kiss with someone feels that amazing, you're going to pull away within two seconds) and I was speechless.

"Wow…" I said, even though I'm supposed to be speechless.

André kissed me again and again and we began making out because OMG! we're so in love with each other! We made out some more and eventually we started taking each other's clothes off even though my dad is still home. Luckily, since this isn't a Tribbie or a Cabbie fic, Trina doesn't exist, so no worries on that front.

**André's POV**

_Oh Jade is so beautiful and I am making out with Jade and it feels so amazing and we are taking each other's clothes off and- oh wait!_

My eyes shot open, because of course I was able to half undress Tori with my eyes closed.

_OMG! It's not Jade, it's TORI! WHAT HAVE I DONE?!_

"Oh my god I'm so sorry Tori I just thought you were Jade and I love Jade and I started kissing you and I love Jade and I thought you were Jade instead of Tori!" I screamed.

"You realise the readers are probably just going to skim through that, right?" Tori told me.

"I'm so sorry I have to go Tori!" I said before running out, half undressed and leaving my clothes on Tori's living room floor.

**Tori's POV**

_Oh no… what have I done? Even though I was being submissive and André was the one taking control, I, for some strange reason, still feel guilty. I guess I better go talk to him in the very next scene for to keep the plot moving._

DIVIDERS ARE MY FRIEND

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><p>I saw André getting something out of his locker because if he were doing anything else other than eating his lunch, it would show creativity and effort.<p>

I walked over to him.

"André, we need to talk about what happened so the plot can keep moving." I told him.

"Okay, well I've conveniently decided to try and be friendly to you now, so let's go and find a quiet place." André said, dragging me away because apparently my legs now don't work.

We went to a quiet place that conveniently began existing last paragraph and sat down on something that hasn't been described.

"I'm so sorry about what I did!" I apologised, because it's not like he kissed me or anything.

"I'm sorry too! I thought you were Jade but OMG! you weren't. I wouldn't have done that if I had realised you were Tori and now I have made you feel all awkward because if I didn't feel like that then I wouldn't say that which would mean you'd have no prompt to admit your feelings for me which you are now about to do."

"André I didn't feel awkward. I liked it. I have been in love with you ever since I met you and I hope you feel the same way, even though any girl with a fully functioning brain would have taken a hint by now and given up." I admitted, going red because apparently I haven't done anything up until this moment in the plot to indicate that I have feelings for André.

Even though André has made it perfectly clear that he doesn't like me, I still leaned in to kiss him.

"Oh my god Tori, that was amazing." André said even though he never pulled away. "I'm now completely and utterly in love with you. Let's go run into the sunset like every-fucking-body does at the end of these chapters."

_OMG he likes me too! What a conveniently placed plot twist! Now we can be OMG!happilyforeverafterandcrap_

Then Tori and André ran into the sunset and ended up in hospital, facing third-degree burns and first-degree DEATH.

So yeah, then they lived happily ever after. :)

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><p><strong>I'm so glad I got this finished. It feels like it's been forever since I've gotten an update out to you guys. Mostly because, well… it has been forever.<strong>

**I recently started at college and it's been a lot more work than I'd expected so I just don't have as much free time any more. Right now I've got a week off which is why I was determined to get this finished and out to you guys who have waited so patiently for it.**

**I'd like to once again give credit to BelletheWickedWitch who not only inspired this chapter, but also helped me when I was going through serious writer's block. Yes, I get it too. :P**

**-Ailodierap**


	18. The Assignment

**I'M BACK!**

**Yaaaaaaayyyyy! ;D**

**So guys, remember six months ago when I won 'Best Parody/Humour' for this story in the Topaz Awards? Well the 2nd Bi-Annual Topaz Awards have begun accepting nominations again! So HEAD ON DOWN to 'The Topaz Awards 2013' forum in the Victorious forum section and nominate your favourite fics!**

**And if you're a fellow parody writer like me... see if you can claim my crown. Go on, I dare you. ;) (Although I'm not allowed to be nominated again anyway since I won last time -_-)**

* * *

><p><strong>Disclaimer: I do not own Victorious!<strong>

* * *

><p>"Hello class, today I have an assignment for you, because as a teacher, that is clearly all I ever have for you in FanFiction." Sikowitz said. "I will put you in pairs and you have to create a scene about two close friends who are in love with each other but the boy is in a relationship with another girl, and the two girls aren't friends with each other, and… oh, wait one second." Sikowitz said, before the author checked the 'ToriBeck/Jade' page on the Victorious Wiki to see if there was anything she missed. "Oh, and the boy has to not be happy in his relationship with the mean girl. The pairs will be Cat and Robbie, Andre and Jade, Tori and Beck. Good luck!" Sikowitz told them, because those six are _clearly _the only students in Sikowitz's class.

Then everyone left because that was clearly all Sikowitz had planned for the class.

"Well then Tori since we have to work together I guess I better come over to your house tonight. See you then!" Beck said, and walked away.

"Bye Beck!" Tori said.

_OMG, Beck is coming over to my house tonight to work on our assignment! Does that mean he likes me? I mean he's only like the hottestest, most perfectest, awesome, amazingest guy in the entire goddamn universe, but I do like him a lot! But he loves Jade, why would he ever love me? But OMG, what if he does like me? Then I can make a move and he can be my boyfriend, because clearly all of the events of Season 3 were completely non-canon including 'Tori Goes Platinum', and have no impact whatsoever on my characterisation in this fic._

Then the author placed a divider as an excuse to skip through time since she's too uncreative to write any sort of build-up to the next scene.

* * *

><p>There was a knock on the door. Tori opened the door because she just happened to be randomly standing next to the front door in case someone came to visit. It was… Beck!<p>

"Hi Beck!" Tori said flirtily.

"Hi Tori! Let's do our scene!" Beck said.

"Okay."

They started doing their scene even though they haven't even spoken to each other about it at all since they were paired up.

"But Avan, you don't understand!" Tori said, since the author thinks of using the actors' real names as the most creative, _totally non-cliché _idea ever, "I love you!"

"I love you too! But I can't just break up with Liz for you! She'll kill you!" Beck said.

"I'm not scared of Liz, as long as I have you…" Tori said, stroking his face.

"I do love you, Victoria."

"I love you too, Avan!" Tori said, before pulling Beck in for a kiss.

_OMG I'm kissing Beck and I'm so overexcited that my thoughts are loud enough for you to hear them without even being in my POV! Even though I've already kissed Beck before so I shouldn't really be that excited or surprised in any way! YAY!_

"Wow, that was… amazing." Beck said emotionlessly, since he's portrayed by Avan Jogia.

"Yeah." Tori agreed.

"Umm would you look at the time I better go." Beck said.

"Okay, bye." Tori said as Beck awkwardly left.

_Oh no! I hope he doesn't tell Jade even though I specifically said just a couple of seconds ago that I'm not scared of her! No, wait, that wasn't real, that was a scene, what are you thinking, Tori?_

TOTALLY OMG!REALISTIC CONFLICTION!

Tori woke up the next day (omg!plottwist) and got ready for school, but she couldn't stop thinking about Beck because clearly the only thing that is happening around her right now is the main plot.

Wow, this series has really come around full circle, hasn't it?

_Oh no, I can't stop thinking about Beck! No, wait a minute Tori, he is dating Jade, it is wrong to think of him in that way!_

It will always amaze me how skilled these authors are at delving into the minds of these much-loved characters and deeply analyse their innermost thoughts, despite the story not even being in that character's POV and thus making the implication that every single person reading this story is psychic.

* * *

><p><strong>Tori's POV<strong>

I walked into school because apparently I got regurgitated with the force of a cannon all the way to outside the school by a bear, or something… yeah.

"Hi Beck." I said, since obviously Beck is the only person who goes to this school and obviously he was standing right in front of the door as I walked in.

"Hi Tori." He said back, emotionlessly. I would have chalked it up to the author not providing an adjective but then I reminded myself that Beck is portrayed by Avan Jogia and dropped the subject.

"I'm sorry about what happened yesterday." I apologised. Yes, I was _that _sorry about doing the assignment we were specifically told to do.

"I'm sorry too, Tori. I hope we can still be souper awesome friends!"

"Yes I'd like that." I said.

Then Sikowitz walked in, even though we're standing in the middle of the hallway.

"Hello, class! Please take your seats." Sikowitz said, apparently teleporting every single student in his class (yes, all _six _of them) to the classroom.

Everyone took their seats, because it's not like there are any other variations of that sentence the author could have chosen.

"Okay, class, are you all ready to perform your horrifically specific and predetermined scenes that I have only given you a day to work on?" Sikowitz asked.

"Yes." the class said, because they are apparently all robots that can talk perfectly in-sync now.

"Okay, first, we will have Tori and Beck, since this fanfic revolves around them and as such they are the only characters who will actually get to perform the assignment they spend _a whole DAY _working on." (No… god forbid!) Sikowitz said. "And… action!" Sikowitz said, even though the author never even wrote that the walked up onto the stage that shouldn't even be there since they're in the HALLWAY instead of the classroom.

"But Avan, you don't understand!" Tori said, because apparently Tori's POV is in third-person now.

Author used CTRL + V!

"I love you too! But I can't just break up with Liz for you! She'll kill you!" Beck said.

"I'm not scared of Liz, as long as I have you…" Tori said, stroking his face.

"I do love you, Victoria."

"I love you too, Avan!" Tori said, before pulling Beck in for a kiss.

It's super effective!

Then Jade exploded in rage and anger and tears, because that's _totally _what she did in the Pilot.

"OMG BECK HOW COULD YOU KISS HER I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME THAT'S IT WE ARE OVER!" Jade cried, before running away.

"Oh no Beck I'm so sorry!" Tori cried because Jade ran away.

"Oh no! If I had any credible personality, I might actually do something at this point." Beck said monotonously because he's portrayed by- (okay, I know I'm just repeating the same joke here, but _come on_, he sucks).

"Beck, you need to go talk to her." Cat said, since this is a Bade moment so Cat is _obviously _the smartest chick on the planet. "She OMG!loves you more than anyone else in the world and you are her everything, omg! she pretends to be mean but really she's just omg!insecure and stuff, since it's impossible for a mean girl in fanfiction to be JUST mean anymore with no hidden personalities behind it. OMG! :D"

"You're right Cat, I must go talk to her now." Beck said, running after Jade who, by now, could be on the other side of Hollywood.

"Jade! Jade!" Beck called after her, because the author decided to give him super-speed to catch up with Jade.

Beck is like Superman… except, not.

"Jade what is the problem my sweet darling?" Beck said oh-so-perfectly.

"YOU LOVE TORI NOT ME WHY DID YOU KISS HER?!" Jade screamed, because _obviously _someone who has been attending a performing arts high school for three years doesn't understand the concept of a stage kiss.

"But Jade, it's not what you think, it's…" Beck said, before suddenly stopping his sentence dead so the author didn't have to think of an explanation.

"I FUCKING HATE YOU WE'RE OVER LEAVE ME ALONE!" Jade said before running away, bursting into tears.

_Oh no… now what do I do? How am I supposed to live without Jade?_

Boy, it sure is inconvenient that Beck's emotions decided not to… umm… exist, until now.

"How did it go?" Tori asked, even though she should know since her psychic powers let her hear his thoughts while we are in her strange third-person POV.

"Jade broke up with me." Beck said.

"I'm so sorry, Beck." Tori said, because that's apparently all she's able to say.

"It's okay, because I think I don't really love Jade, even though my OOC mental monologue from just five seconds ago clearly implies that I do, I actually love someone else, Tori. Because, leik, OMG, since our kiss yesterday I suddenly realised that I randomly love you now and I want us to be together forever. Will you be mine?" Beck said, because the author is allergic to thesauruses, or whatever the plural of 'thesaurus' is.

"OMG Beck! I'm so happy! Ever since the kiss, I have developed feelings for you too in the ten hours between then and now and now I'm totally in random!love with you too but I had to keep it a secret because of Jade! But now we can be together forever!" Tori said happily.

"I love you, Tori."

"I love you, Beck."

Then they kissed. Beck's lips felt soft.

As opposed to Tori's lips, that obviously must not feel like _anything_.

Then Tori and Beck ran into the sunset together and died again, while Sikowitz was left sitting in his classroom which is actually the hallway waiting for Tori, Beck and Jade to return so he could continue the class, Andre had lost his partner for the assignment, Trina continued to not exist since this isn't a Tribbie fic and Jade is probably going to go bungee jump off a cliff without a cord.

So, you know, all's well that ends well.

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><p><strong>Okay, very rushed and sucky ending, I know.<strong>

**Hell, this **_**is **_**supposed to be a spoof of bad fanfiction, so I guess that makes it okay. Anyway, like I said, The Topaz Awards 2013 have begun! Head on down to the Victorious forum section and nominate your favourite fics! The awards were such a huge success last year and if even half of you loyal followers of this story were to nominate your favourite fics, the awards could be an even bigger success this time around!**

**And… see you next time!**


	19. Trina's Big Breakdown

**I'm not even going to attempt to apologise about the wait. You guys know how useless I am at regularly updating. All I can say is that I hope and pray you don't hold it against me.**

**P.S. IMPORTANT A/N AT THE BOTTOM!**

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><p><strong>Disclaimer: I do not own Victorious.<strong>

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><p>Trina was walking down the corridor of Hollywood Arts because this fic is about her, so for once she actually <em>exists<em>.

_Man, I love how talented and perfect and hot and popular I am, because I'm really a completely two-dimensional character and the author is forbidden by some mystical entity from giving me any sort of depth until I inevitably vow to change my ways._

Trina smiled at her oh-so-realistic thought and walked down the stairs in her thirty-two inch heeled **FAZZINI** shoes, because the author is just _that good _at adding in those little details. Then she noticed someone talking to her five friends. It was Tori!

*audience gasps in shock and horror*

"Hey guys, you know that sister of mine, Trina Vega?" Tori asked her friends out of nowhere, because clearly her biological sister wouldn't have an obvious surname.

"Yes we do, Tori." Jade, Cat, André, Robbie and Beck replied in that order, because as we all know, this show's female characters are FAR MORE IMPORTANT than the male ones.

"Well she is really really untalented. Liek, UGGHH! She makes me want to drive a bus sideways off a bridge or something." Tori said.

"Yeah, one time I was cutting up a trashcan in the janitor's closet with my scissors while drinking my black coffee when Trina came in and began singing, and it made me want to throw up!" Jade agreed.

Everyone laughed.

"Well one time I was with my brother playing with Mr. Purple, my stuffed purple giraffe, and then Trina appeared and started dancing, and she almost kicked me in the face, and I cried!" Cat agreed.

Everyone laughed.

"Well one time I was playing the keyboard, because I am the André, and Trina appeared out of the mist that was apparently in my bedroom and tried to play the guitar along to it, and I almost smashed my keyboard into a wall it was so bad!" André agreed.

Everyone laughed.

"Well one time I was talking to Rex while writing a song about broken glass and other random subjects that the author is too lazy to think of, and Trina leaped through the bedroom window like a ninja and began acting out a monologue from _'The Taming of the Shrew'_! Rex wanted to murder her with a baseball bat that I have in my bedroom despite me not being sporty in any way, shape or form."

Everyone laughed.

"Yeah, well one time I was… umm… uhh… shit." Beck sighed.

Please tell me you guys understood that the entire last 219 words were typed to lead in to that joke.

"I guess we all hate how useless and untalented that Trina is. Maybe she should move out and live on the street and never bother us again." Tori suggested because she is the omg!bitchiest in these stories.

Trina gasped in bewildered horror and ran away, because it's totally possible to do that in thirty-two inch heeled **FAZZINI** shoes. She began to do a mental monologue as she ran through the Hollywood Arts like a headless chicken.

_They think I'm untalented? How? When? They totally never ever tried to hint at that before in the history of the show! How could they do this to me, despite the fact that they never even knew I was there and heard their every word? Maybe I should just admit it, I'm not the perfect talented diva I think I am, I'm actually just an untalented, useless bitch who serves no purpose in life._

Well, that escalated quickly.

Trina couldn't stop the tears flowing even though the author never mentioned that Trina began crying in the first place and she had to run home to the comfort of her bedroom in her thirty-two inch heeled **FAZZINI **shoes.

Trina laid down on her bed because she now has the power of teleportation and began to sob, because it's not like she was crying or anything in the previous paragraph.

_No one loves me, I guess I will just have to run away from home since that is obviously the only viable and reasonable course of action in this woeful situation._

Trina packed a bag full of **FAZZINI **shoes, make-up products, food and water and left the house, somehow without being noticed at all by her mother. Trina looked back at her old house and a single, lone tear sailed down her cheek.

And upon reading that sentence, your head just exploded in irritation and fury at the author's inability to include continuity of any kind.

"Goodbye, my old life." Trina said dramatically before slowly walking away into the sunset (despite it being the middle of a school day) in her thirty-two inch heeled **FAZZINI **shoes.

Tori returned home instantaneously because the author doesn't understand the concept of a time-skip and walked into her house, because Tori has now mutated the ability to walk through closed doors. Tori was instantly confused that she couldn't see Trina because the author has forgotten that houses generally consist of more than one room.

"Where's Trina?" Tori asked her parents who have now magically appeared in the room.

"We don't know." They replied simultaneously before walking away like pre-programmed robots.

_Hmm, I wonder where she is. It's so weird not having her around, because I totally spend all my free time hanging around Trina in the actual show._

Tori went up to her bedroom and began to sit and think more about Trina since nothing else happens in these character's lives other than the main plot.

_Maybe she's rehearsing for a play? No, she's not in any plays. Maybe she went out for a meal with her friends because apparently she now has those?_

Tori continued to think until 8:48 in the evening when she began to realise that Trina was in fact… MISSING!

*audience member faints in terror*

_Oh no! What could have happened to Trina? What if she got HURT? Or RAPED? Or KILLED?! Or PANCAKES?! OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD I can't imagine my life without out her, despite the fact that just five minutes ago in this strange, time-jumping fic, I was calling her an untalented waste of space with my friends. I guess I'm finally going through character development. I mean Beck told me it'd start for me soon but I never expected it THIS soon!_

Tori ran downstairs in frenzied panic and saw her parents sitting there talking, apparently not on any sort of furniture though, just sitting on the floor talking.

"Mom, Dad, where do you think Trina went?!" Tori screamed, because that verb totally matches what Tori just said.

"I don't know, why don't you check her room?" Tori's mom suggested because she's the most useless, derpy parent in the history of mankind.

"Okay!" Tori smiled, because _clearly _the author is just that dumb.

Tori ran up the stairs to her sister's bedroom and swung the door open, and noticed a note on her sister's bed that Trina clearly wrote with her psychic powers that she must share with Tori.

_Dear Tori (because there is totally no one else in my life I care about), I'm sorry but I can't do this anymore. I'm an untalented waste of space, just like you said._

Tori burst out into tears upon realizing that she caused this, because as we all know crying in the Vega family is like spontaneous combustion.

_I don't fit in with anyone and no one likes me despite the fact that you mentioned the fact that I apparently now have friends just a few minutes ago, and I can't stand it anymore. So I'm ending my life. I'm pulling the plug, and moving on to a better place, *insert another evasive way of saying SUICIDE here*. Don't be sad that your sister who you have known and loved all your life is so unsatisfied with her life that she is about to end it, because it wasn't your fault! Even though the bitchy stuff you said is what caused me to start feeling this way in the first place and the author is just trying to make my suicide all the more dramatic and sad!_

"NO! TRINA!" Tioeiri

…

I'm not kidding you, that is ACTUALLY how I just managed to typo 'Tori'. ._.

"NO! TRINA!" Tori screamed at the letter, before running out of the front door which is now in Trina's bedroom on the second floor and ran to some random little place by the sea where Tori and Trina used to play when they were younger because OBVIOUSLY you can't just kill yourself in a place that has no relevance to your life.

God, this isn't contrived at all, is it?

Tori ran up to the abandoned pier in the busy, crowded Los Angeles and saw Trina stood on the edge looking like she was about to jump in, because clearly Trina was glued to the spot on which she stood until Tori entered a two-metre radius.

"Trina! Don't omg!suicide!" Tori called to her from a distance, because apparently Tori is now glued to the spot on which she stands instead.

"Don't try to stop me! All my life I thought I was an omg!talentedgenius, but in fact I'm a waste of space and I have no omg!talent. No one wants me and the author is just going to keep spewing out depressive sentence after depressive sentence to hammer the point into your mind in _excruciating _detail!"

"But you're more than that!" Tori replied through the floods of tears that materialized on her face in the last ten seconds. "You're my sister and I love you! I have always loved you and I can't imagine my life without you in it, even though, once again, I never talk to you or hang out with you willingly!"

Trina looked back down at the sea water and began to question whether she should jump in and omg!suicide already, whilst the author seemingly forgot that Trina is only at the edge of a pier and as such, the water is probably shallow enough for Trina to kneel on the seabed and stay above water.

"Please." Tori whispered gently because a mood swing like that can _totally _be a thing.

Character development already taking it's toll, I see.

Trina looked at the water again, and then OMGPANCAKES! dramatically collapsed onto the pier. Tori, who could somehow now defy the mystical entity gluing her to that one spot, ran over to Trina and knelt down to hold her sister in her arms (because the author felt the need to specify exactly _who _Tori would be running to, since clearly there are several more people unconscious all over the pier).

"I'm so sorry, Tori." Trina whispered despite being unconscious, because clearly TRINA has to be sorry for Tori driving her to omg!suicide by being a stuck-up bitch of a sister.

"No Trina, don't be sorry, you're okay! You're going to get better, and I'm sure I won't inevitably be back to my old ways by Chapter 20! So this will never happen again, right?" Tori comforted her weak older sister.

"Okay, I love you, Tori." Trina whispered between the sobs that the author never even stated were in existence before passing out.

"I love you, Trina." Tori whispered to her unconscious sister as she omg!dramatically turned to look at the setting sun which won't cause any long-term vision damage _at all_.

The author decided to end the story on a sappy and supposedly happy note and so a small smile formed on Trina's face, since the word unconscious really has no meaning anymore.

Wait, if Trina was going to kill herself, why the fuck did she pack a bag?!

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><p><strong>Okay then, important AN time. This is going to strike you all as quite funny since in the previous chapter, I mentioned the second round of the Topaz Awards starting up. Well the third round has just started up today, and they're taking nominations! So head on down to: **

forum/The-Topaz-Awards-2013/108350/

**and nominate your favourite fics! We want these awards to be the best YET! Chapter 20 **_**may **_**be coming sometime in the next four weeks or so since I'm away from college for the summer right now and have pretty much nothing to do. But I'm making no promises! Again, you all know how useless I can be. :P **

**Remember to leave a review and tell me what you think! And keep suggesting those clichés, it's always appreciated! :)**


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